Hanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On
• Oy to the World
• Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
• Hava Negilah – The Megamix
• Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
• Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells Already… Sheez!
• Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
• I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
• Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
• Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
• Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
“Play it again, Sam” – H. Bogart, Casablanca
by Joe Hample (sung to the tune of “As Time Goes By” from “Casablanca”)
You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.
With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As time goes by.
Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes someone has to grate.
One flame in the window,
keep counting till there’s eight
To light the winter sky.
In the Bronx or in the Mission,
It’s still the same tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.
Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Semitic glories to relate.
Blue-and-white giftwrap, ain’t this country great,
And festive chazerai!
It’s still the same old Torah,
It’s still the same menorah,
We’ve latkes still to fry.
December’s when I feel most Jewish,
As time goes by.
I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.”
I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.
I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.
I’m sick of Heather Mills. Now that she’s divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their stumps together.
I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.
I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.
My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.”
Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.
My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!”
I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won’t trust him to wash it.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
New Airport Security System
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.
• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
• Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus
His Explanation Is Perfect.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ . I just lost it.’
Funny Travel Quotes
“Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.” — Jim Gaffigan, comedian
“The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.” — Britney Spears, American pop star
“There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.” — Stephen Colbert, talk show host
“People say there’s delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there.
“Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you’re home.” — Louis C.K., comedian
“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” — George Carlin, comedian
“My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I’m thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.” — Dennis Miller, talk show host
“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” — Al Gore, environmental activist
“You want to know what its like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.” — Lewis Black, comedian
“People come back from flights and tell you a story like it’s a horror story. They act like their flight was like a cattle car in the 1940s in Germany.
“That’s how bad they make it sound. They’re like, ‘It was the worst day of my life. We didn’t board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.’
Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?’” — Louis C.K, comedian
“Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know — because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.” — Lewis Black, comedian
“[Airline food] is the tiniest food I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get — chicken, steak, anything — has grill marks on each side, like somehow we’ll actually believe there’s an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.” — Ellen DeGeneres, talk show host
“What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet.
“Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets.
“What is it they think we will do? Turn ‘em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?” — Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
“They tell you to go to gate? At the airport I’ve seen doors, halls, seating areas, but there isn’t a single F*$%ing gate at the airport.”
“Then this smiling Stewardess takes your ticket and tells you to get on the plane. Screw you! Evel Kinevil can get ON the plane, I’m getting IN the plane.” — George Carlin
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale……. Cheap………..no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight … One Lung At A Time!
Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking…I Gave Up Reading.
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses… He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick, Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.
Sign In A Bar: “Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.”
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber’s Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.
A Traffic Slogan: Don’t Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.
Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don’t Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!
An Expensive Suit
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”