Bad Lip Reading of the NFL
Bar Troubleshooting Chart
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
Creative Answering Machine Messages
You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we’ll get back you-know-when.
I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.
HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Hi, I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
“Hi. Now you say something.”
“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hi! Tim’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Libertarians & Anarchists
What’s the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians? (No I don’t mean librarians)
1. Libertarians are anarchists with money.
2. Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.
3. Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.
4. Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.
5. Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.
6. Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.
7. Libertarians go to the police after they’ve been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.
8. A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.
9. Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.
10. Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.
11. Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren’t organized in anything.
12. Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote, and lose.
13. Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don’t care what libertarians think.
What Was That Name Again?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
More Things You’ll Never Hear From A Redneck
1. “Trim the fat off that steak.”
2. “Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.”
3. “The tires on that truck are too big.”
4. “I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.”
5. “I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.”
6. “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
7. “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”
8. “My fiancé is registered at Tiffany’s.”
9. “I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.”
10. “She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.”
11. “Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?”
12. “Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.”
13. “I don’t have a favorite college football team.”
14. “Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.”
15. “I believe you cooked those green beans too long.”
16. “Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.”
17. “Elvis who?”
Men vs. Women
RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis.”
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men are Morons.” Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total bitch. But I want to let you know there’s always a chance for us.”
This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
SE X: Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
GROCERIES: A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.
A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.
MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.
Why, How, & Ifs?
1. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
2. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
3. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
4. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
5. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
7. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
8. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
9. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
10. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
11. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
12. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
13. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
14. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
15. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Very Short Books
1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10) Green Peace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11) Green Peace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13) Human Rights organizations in North Korea
14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18) Guide to Neo Nazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
21) Famous Hillbilly Physicists
22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
23) Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
24) Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
25) Sports Illustrated’s Gay Men’s Swimsuit Edition
26) How to start your own part time Hospital from home
27) Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
28) E-mail address directory for the homeless
29) All Night Libyan Moshe pits
30) List of Fine Wines from Iran
More Tips For Moving South…Yee-Haw!
1. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.
2. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
3. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
4. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
5. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
6. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
7. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
8. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
9. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
10. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
11. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, Have mercy”, “Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.
12. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
13. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Life Of A Senior Citizen
1. I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
2. I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
3. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
4. I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
5. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
6. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
7. I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
8. I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
9. I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians…
10. I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
11. I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
12. I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
13. I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
14. I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
15. I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
16. I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
17. I’m wondering . . If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
18. I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
19. I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . .I’ve just lost the storeroom.