Comfortable with Him Lingerie
Cool Things To Do In A Gym Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm”, making the sound of their animal in the stall.
12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
Indian Genius Vs. White Man Stupidity
When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
* Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
* Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
* Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
* Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.
* Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.
* Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
* Thou shall not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
* Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
* Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
* Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Solve The Riddle
Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn’t have one,
The POPE has one but doesn’t use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns’s was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s
what is it?
A last name……. Were you thinking of something else?
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “oh geez, better get cracking,” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy and play it with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country,” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, “Merry Christmas.”
If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
What Would You Do?
A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man.
“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”
“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”
Female English Vs. Male English
Yes = No
No = Yes
May-b = No
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
“Do what u want” = You’ll pay 4 this later!
We need to talk” = I need to bitch.
“Sure……Go ahead” = I don’t want you too.
“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, u stupid moron!
“How much do you love me?” = I did something today your not going like me for.
“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.
“You have to learn to communicate!” = Just agree with me.
“Are you listening to me?” = Too late, you’re dead!
“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry
“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy
“I’m tired “= I’m tired
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I take you to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Nice dress” = Nice cleavage.
“You look tensed, let me give you a massage” = I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong? “= What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you” = Let’s have sex right now.
“I love you too” = Okay I said it we’d better have sex now!
“Let’s talk” = I am trying’ to impress you by shown that I’m a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me!
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
Real Excuse Notes From Parents
(With their original spelling)
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Special Classes For Men
1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.
3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
6. Class 6: Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.
7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things – Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
8. Class 8: Health Watch – Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.
9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.
11. Class 11: Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing. Location and times to be announced.
12. Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
13. Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.
14. Class 14: The Stove/Oven – What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.