Friday Fun Stuff – 8-4-17

Steve Martin Has to Leave Johnny Carson, Funniest Moments


Donald Duck & His Nephews – The Hockey Champ


And Then The Fight Started…..

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust’.
And then the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.
And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend’.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.
‘My God!’ says m y wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect”.
And then the fight started…..

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight started…..

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started …

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….


King Arthur and Sir Galahad

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt…except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad”, exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But Sir Galahad was speechless.


Boys

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like…

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject ‘PB & J’ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


The Pope And The Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.
‘I haven’t a clue,’ said the rabbi. ‘First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he made circles around his head to tell me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I pointed at the ground to tell him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?’ asked one of them.

‘Who knows?’ said the rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’


Men’s Guidelines For Women

• Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us, because we refuse to answer.
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
• Crying is blackmail!
• If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, then don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• Don’t cut your hair. Ever! Long hair is always much more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you’re stuck with her.
• You have enough clothes. You also have too many shoes.
• Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we’re able to find the perfect gift yet again!
• There are times when we are not thinking about you. Deal with it.
• Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. Sometimes we are bound to miss.
• A headache that lasts for months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Allow us to ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• No, we don’t know what day it is and we never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
• Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• If we ask what’s wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it just isn’t worth the hassle.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, NOT a color.
• If it itches, it will be scratched.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
• Don’t fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Check your oil.


The Two Cows

Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us understand better.
THE “TWO-COW EXPLANATION” OF WHAT MAKES…

A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.


Signs Of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate cult barely gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.


Tips For Ice Fishing

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is. “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm.” “I’m sorry, what did you say?” “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm.” “I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand you.” The successful man spits something into his hand. “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”


You Now You’re A Nerd If…

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

- You have a $3,000 computer and a $500 car.


NEW VIRUS

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the “Senile Virus” that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it. So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the e-mail.


I Told You We Were Supposed To Go Left On Runway 3!
 
I Told You We Were Supposed To Go Left On Runway 3!
 
Just The Way Exon Likes It
Just The Way Exon Likes It
 
With Ketchup There The Perfect Snack
With Ketchup There The Perfict Snack
 
Right After You Get Fired You Can Pick Up Your How The Hell Did He Do That Award!
Right After You Get Fired You Can Pick Up Your How The Hell Did He Do That Award!
 
No That Doesn’t Make You Wolverine…Dork!
No That Doesn't Make You Wolverine...Dork!3
 
Only Americans Could Think Of This
Only Americans Could Think Of This
 
Thanks For Letting Me Know What I Have To Look Forward To
Thanks For Letting Me Know What I Have To Look Forward To
 
Grandma! WAAAAAAIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Grandma! WAAAAAAIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
 
For When SPAM Is Just Too High Brow
For When SPAM Is Just Too High Brow
 
What, Did You Think Super Man Was Perfect?
What, Did You Think Super Man Was Perfict

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