Friday Fun Stuff – 10-20-23

Restaurant Abuse/Cannibalism – Monty Python

Price Is Right – MadTV

Best Out Of Office Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

A Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep”.

“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”

“OK, why not” answered the young man.

“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.

“That’s correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog”.

Fun At The Drive-Through

• Specify that this order is “To Go”.
• At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast.
• When ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.
• Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order.
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom – Don’t Order anything.
• Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets – That’s all.
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it.
• When they come on the intercom, say “Sorry, I’m not here at the moment, please leave a message”.
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
• Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
• Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please.”
• In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
• Drive through with a car load of naked people.
• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
• All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won’t care. I love each program and every file.
I’d love them more if they worked a while.
I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.
I’m the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job – I’ll say it again – I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who’ve come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

More Nerdy One Liners

1. If you don’t want to be replaced by a computer, don’t act like one.
2. Better to be a geek than an idiot.
3. I went to a gentleman’s cybercafe — and they offered me a ‘laptop dance’.
4. The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.
5. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
6. Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail.
7. Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn’t leave something that can be traced back to you.
8. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
9. Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled “My Computer”. Double click on it. User: What’s your computer doing on mine?
10. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
11. Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.
12. Any fool can use a computer. Many do.
13. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
14. Those who can’t write programs, write help files.
15. You know you’re a geek when… You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened to me. It was scary.
16. Home is where Google is.
17. I am not your F1/FAQs button/section.
18. We together go like COPY and PASTE.
19. If “Plan A” didn’t work. Don’t worry; the alphabet has 25 more letters.
20. I had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
21. Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
22. You’re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
23. I’m pretty sure my prayers go directly to God’s spam folder.
24. I am not fat, I am just easier to see.
25. I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.

Sheriff Or Vet

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?” “Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked. “Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

More Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date

1. Drool.
2. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
3. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
4. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
5. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
6. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
7. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
8. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
9. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
10. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
11. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
12. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
13. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
14. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
15. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
16. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
17. Auction your date off for silverware.
18. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Smart Ass

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Star Wars Sex

More than a few sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars movies…

‘Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?’
‘You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.’
‘Sorry about the mess…’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!’
‘She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.’
‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’
‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’
‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’
‘But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…’
‘That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.’
‘Hurry up, golden-rod…’
‘I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?’
‘Possible he came in through the south entrance.’
‘And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!’
‘Control, control! You must learn control!’
‘Hey, point that thing someplace else.’
‘I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.’
‘I never knew I had it in me.’
‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’
‘Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.’
‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’
‘She’s gonna blow!’
‘I think you’ll fit in nicely.’
‘Rise, my friend.’
‘Wedge! Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!’

So Do You

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. “I can’t make out this comment you wrote on my paper.” The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, “It says that you need to write more legibly!”

Finally Something In My Price Range!