A.I.
Future News – Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In’s 1973
More Family Rules
1. When all kids are playing together, at least 1 or more children must cry while seeking a parent within 5 minutes of commencing playtime.
2. Potty training boys is an outdoor activity
3. When leaving the house, at least one child must not know the location of one or both of their shoes.
4. Only like a snack until mom buys it in bulk from Costco, then never eat it again.
5. When Mom is in the shower, and Dad is downstairs, and a kid needs something, they MUST walk up two sets of stairs (skipping dad entirely), walk into the bathroom without knocking and asking mom to help right away.
6. Kids must ignore their parent until the parent starts yelling. It’s tough because sometimes you have to wait until the parent has repeated themselves as many as 5 times, but don’t give in. Wait until they yell. Then yell back in confusion, “WHAT??”
7. Kids are not allowed to all be healthy at the same time. If an illness runs three days in the first kid, the second kid must wait until day three to come down with it, Dad on day 7 (and his will run 17,000 days), kid four on day 9. Mom will also get sick but must power through.
8. No game should be stored with all the pieces intact. There should be a waiting area for these extra pieces but which ever game you want to play at that time the piece must not be in the waiting area.
9. Everyone must want the same plate on the same day.
10. Nobody is allowed to like the same movie at the same time.
11. Lights may only be turned off by Mom.
12. Only Mom may notice when the drinks are running low in the fridge and restock them.
13. Children may only ask deep meaningful questions at bedtime or when they’re in the car on the freeway.
14. You may not take your left sock off in the same place you take off your right sock. And they must be inside out.
15. Cup holders are mini trash cans that magically empty themselves.
16. The word bedtime is actually a code word for “you are hungry and must eat now”!
Graduation Speech
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech.
He began by reading from his prepared text. “I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life” he told the audience. “She is a shining example of parenthood, more than words could ever do justice…”
At this point, he seemed to struggle for words, and after a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, “Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.”
Small Ways To Feel Happy
1. Hug a friend
2. Eat a cookie
3. Light a baseball bat on fire & swing it around in your backyard while listening to AC/DC
4. Look at a penguin
5. Pet an egg
6. Put on a crown and command your mother to do a funny dance
7. Pull off the perfect jewel heist
8. Wrestle a neighbor
9. Outwit an enemy
10. Walk into the ocean and just let the current take you
I Want A Divorce!
A young man from a prominent family was being divorced by his glamorous wife. His lawyer called with news about the property settlement. “The good news is that she isn’t asking for any share of your future inheritance.”
“Great!” said the young man. “What’s the bad news?”
“Well,” said the lawyer, “after the divorce, she’s marrying your father!”
Spring Cleaning Checklist
• Vacuum floors
• Wash baseboards
• Scream cathartically into the void
• Wipe doorknobs
• De-rust dungeon chains
• Blow dust off an ancient spell book and recite the cryptic incantations of your choosing
• Sweep the panic chamber
• FEED THE BASILISK
• Shed your human disguise and bathe the glistening exoskeleton hidden within
The Plan
An oldie, but still insightful in its truth.
In the beginning there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “This is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the Workers went unto their Resident Engineers and said, a bit more diplomatically, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the Resident Engineers went unto their Assistant Division Engineers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”
And the Assistant Division Engineers went unto their Division Engineers, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Division Engineers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Division Engineers went unto the Construction Engineer, saying, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Construction Engineer went to the Director, saying, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the Director looked upon the plan and saw that it was good, And the plan became policy.
And that my friends, is how “Shit Happens”.
Summer Checklist
• Relax by the pool
• Go on a road trip
• Eat a bug
• Just stop going into work
• Explore a haunted cave
• Get an early start on your taxes
• Steal a police officer’s hat
• Fall asleep in a dumpster
• Cry
• Try cocaine
• Whisper your secrets to a frog
• Discover Atlantis
• Fake your death and assume a new identity
The Word Of The Day Is:
Cock-tastrophe (n)
The inevitable, flaming car crash that occurs when an overstimulated Motherfucker with the IQ of a wet wash rag decides he is the smartest person in the room. It’s that pinpoint second when unearned confidence hits a brick wall of reality at 100mph.
The Cock-tastrophist is a delusional dipshit who spends 10% of their time “working” and 90% of their time jerking themselves off over their own “brilliance,” only to leave a trail of smoldering wreckage that requires a forensic team and a priest to fix.
The Funniest Workplace Nicknames
• Newspaper: Has a new issue every day.
• Olympic Flame: They never go out.
• Sensor Light: Gets activated when someone walks past.
• Bluetooth: Only works when paired.
• Ninja Turtle: Turtle to work, Ninja to home.
• 404: can’t be found.
• Storm Trooper: Always missing.
• Wikipedia: Full of information, but you can’t be sure it’s true.
• Blister: Shows up after the hard work is done.
• Broken Arrow: Doesn’t work and can’t be fired.
• Credit Card: Always takes credit for everyone else’s work.
• Teflon: No matter how many times you tell them, nothing sticks.
• Speed Bump: Always slowing everyone down.
• Lava Lamp: Looks good but not very bright.
• Levi’s: Always disappears at 5:01.
• Alexa: Only works when asked.
• Daisy: Some daisy’s in, some daisy’s out.
• Wheelbarrow: Only works when pushed.
• Pothole: Everyone tries to avoid them.
Why It’s Important To Drink
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, ‘It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’
| I Learned This In Karate Class…That You Paid For |
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| Why No, I Wouldn’t Say That Was Passive Aggressive At All |
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Just In Case You Needed A Sign To Remind You . . . Which Apparently A Few People Did |
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| Seriously, Who Approves This Stuff? |
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| Because It Was A Slow Day And His Break Light Was Out |
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| And That’s How She Met Her Husband |
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| Yep, Me To |
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| What Did He Have To Give Up For Her To Say Yes To This? |
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| Taco Bell Comes To Bangladesh |
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| Their Rovers Are Just Cooler |
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