100th Episode Quickies Of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In
Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
1. When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.
2. We’re Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On our flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it’s so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. We may be landing on your street.
15. Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly on our airline and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. A real man lands where he wants to.
Cancel Your Credit Cards
Yes, be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
A lady died last year in January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘Maybe you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax (Yes they still use faxes):
Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’
Citibank: ‘That might help….’
Family Member: ‘Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?
How To Look Busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Israel.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the computer manual.
Reality: You are reading the anime book you placed in the computer manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff”
Even 10 Year Old’s Know The Difference
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out…
“Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley… YOU RIDE IT!!”
Collected Comments Of College Students
• He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
• Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!
• His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
• Textbook is confusing … someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.
• This class was a religious experience for me … I had to take it all on faith.
• The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
• Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
• Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing – it’s a great stress reliever.
• Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions – no way to stop it.
• I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.
Testing Lifesavers In Class
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
“Well,” he said, “I’ll give you all a clue; It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: “Oh, my God! They’re assholes!!!
If Famous Characters Throughout Time Had Jewish Mothers
We would probably have this kind of remarks:
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?’
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write…’
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?’
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!’
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?’
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!’
THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Okay, so I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!’
PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!’
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?’
MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?’
BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘It would have killed you to become a doctor?’
BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.’
Were Not Coming Out
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked:’ Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator!’
Some old men can think fast.
Classic Short Jokes
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
What’s In A Name?
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new laborer one day and barked at him:
“What’s your name?”
“John.” The new bloke replied.
The Forman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only Smith, Jones, Baker, that’s all. If I want a job done, I
yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that. Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new bloke sighed. “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly…
“Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is….