If Meeting The Parents Were Honest
How Stupid Are They…
1. Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
2. Trips over cordless phones.
3. Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
4. Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn’t plugged in.
5. Unclear which of Newton’s three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
6. Understands English as well as any parrot.
7. Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
8. Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
9. Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
10. Uses thumbtacks to post notes…on his refrigerator.
11. Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
12. Views mold as a higher life form.
13. Her warranty has expired.
14. Was born when the planets were misaligned.
15. Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
16. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
17. Wasn’t abused as a child, but should have been.
18. Watches “Beavis and Butthead” to learn vocabulary.
19. With one more neuron he’d have a synapse.
20. Won’t eat eggs because he believes the “This is your brain” ads.
21. His face would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
More Real Advertisements
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
We build bodies that last a lifetime…That’s nothing; we build bodies that last even longer!
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment…If everyone hated it why should I rent it?
Man, honest. Will take anything…An honest man with low standards. And to think some women say all the good men are taken.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. ..Because we want to find out how good your love was.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel…About as far as the exploding dynamite will throw you.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!…we’re much nicer when were cheating you.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play…To hell with the fore play, lets just get to it!
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential…Is there somewhere where hair doesn’t grow?
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink…So she’s fat, she doesn’t smoke, and she doesn’t drink, so why would I want to take care of her?
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred…It’s so hard to find a good three year old with teaching experience these days.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops…Good cause I only go to bottomless beaches.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again…We’ve got cars from ten years ago we still haven’t fixed.
Holly cross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204…I don’t know who Betty Clayton is but she sounds like a real party girl!
Illiterate? Write today for free help…Are they kidding?
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included...Don’t bother smacking him, just deck the little b@stard!
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family…But if he can’t take care of the kids he has now why would he want more?
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating…If like getting you fat ass beaten with a mixing bowl that’s your business.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale…Who says Christmas only comes once a year?
And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience…No where is more inconvenient then this place!
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00…You only charge a dollar? That’s great because the people in this home are nuts!
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary…Just who’s head were you thinking of cutting off?
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours…Thank God. My fathers sister has been here for ever!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person…But how do the tags help us find him again?
You Know You’re An EMS If…
1. You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs with red wine or pizza with beer, while performing gastric lavage.
2. You believe that “Ask-a-Nurse” is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
3. You believe that having an ambulance at a “Health Fair” was his next idea.
4. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase “Wow, it’s really quiet” is uttered.
5. You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the “q” word when it is even remotely calm.
6. You refer to Friday as Con-Home Dump Day.
7. You are totally astounded when someone from a convalescent home is understandable.
8. You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name.
9. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
10. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a “Celestial Transfer”.
11. You have ever answered a “lost condom” call.
12. You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a “smurf”.
13. Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms.
14. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide. Doing It Right”.
15. You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to “Guns and Ammo” magazine.
16. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.
17. You have ever had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.
18. You have ever wanted to reply “yes” when someone calls the E.R. and asks “Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?”.
19. You have ever issued a “dead head” alert.
20. You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc, triage nurse, or partner as a “shit magnet”.
21. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
22. You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway “Who’s in charge of this mess anyway?”.
23. You have ever used the phrase “health care reform” to instill fear into your coworkers’ hearts.
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An On-Line Affair
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He’s gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your “software”.
4. Lipstick on the mouse.
3. During sex, she screams “A colon backslash enter insert!”
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone’s butt.
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
Celebrities On Each Other
“Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”
- Anonymous screen test about Fred Astaire
“A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.”
- Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams
“When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.”
- Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny
“Martin’s acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing.”
- Harry Medved on Dean Martin
“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”
- Joan Rivers
“He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire.”
- Truman Capote on Mick Jagger
“Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.”
- Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando
“Spielberg isn’t a filmmaker, he’s a confectioner.”
- Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg
“What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?”
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel
“If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.”
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
“She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.”
- Former singer with the Smiths, Morrissey talking about Madonna
“It’s like kissing Hitler.”
- Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe
“She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short.”
- Clive James also talking about Marilyn Monroe
“I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an Arctic region covered with ice.”
- Steve Martin
“A plumber’s idea of Cleopatra.”
- W. C. Fields talking about Mae West
“I couldn’t stand Janis Joplin’s voice. She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick.”
- Arthur Lee on Janis Joplin
“A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven ‘sure-fire’ literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy.”
- William Faulkner on Mark Twain
1. At a restaurant in New York: “Tip-ing is not a city in China.”
2. Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: “Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)”
3. On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: “Safety ladder, climb at own risk.”
4. Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA “Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!”
5. Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: “Run like Anything!”
6. Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) “Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends.”
7. Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: “Beware of bargains in…
b. Life preservers
c. Brain surgery
d. Eye Care
8. Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: “Nobody reads billboards…. But you just did :)”
9. An ad on the subway in NYC: “Learn to read and speak English. Call us now.”
10. An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: “Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.”
11. Sign over a restroom in a bar: “Used beer department.”
12. On a store front in Florida: “Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!”
13. A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: “Smile, You’re on Radar!”
14. Seen in a State Park in California: “Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it’s wet, it’s raining. If it’s moving, it’s windy. If you can’t see it, it’s foggy. If rock is gone, it’s a tornado.”
More Lawyer Jokes
• What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.
• What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.
• Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
• What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement
A whine cellar.
• Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)
Both have hearts like stones.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
You can make a pet out of the snake.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.
• What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
• What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
• Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.
• What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
• What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
• How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
• How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
• What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.
• What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer Miles.
• Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.
• What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
• Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
You have to have them because everyone does but as soon as you use them they screw everything up!
Fun Things You Should Never Do During An Exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. One word: Wrestlemania.
2. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
3. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
4. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
5. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
6. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
7. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
8. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
9. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
10. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”
Justice In America??
These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.