In The Unlikely Event…
Monopoly Man Goes Bankrupt
In The Unlikely Event…
Monopoly Man Goes Bankrupt
What Your Dog Is Thinking When He Sees You Naked
“Your coat is inferior to mine.”
“I am a dog.”
“Why are you crying?”
“You can only feed two puppies!!”
“Your tail is on the wrong side.”
“This barely counts as being rescued…”
“We gotta leave this park NOW.”
“Ball, ball, ball, ball, person, window, tree, tree, squirrel, person, ball.”
“I want to bite your penis.”
(Gesturing to your balls) “I can’t believe they let you keep those things.”
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
Recipe for a Perfect Marriage
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Henny Youngman!
01. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
02. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
03. I take my wife everywhere….but she keeps finding her way back.
04. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
05. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
06. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’
So I bought her an electric chair.
07. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was.
She told me, ‘In the lake.’
08. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
09. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’
The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’
I said, ‘Dust!’
What Are Cats?
Exactly what are cats?
Cats are totally unpredictable.
Cats will whine when they are unhappy.
Cats will rarely listen to you.
Cats will do whatever they want.
When you want to play, they want to be left alone.
When you want to be left alone, they want to play.
Cats leave hair everywhere.
Cats expect you to cater to their every whim.
Cats are moody.
After reviewing the above, the conclusion is cats are little women in inexpensive fur coats.
Top Ten Marketing Screw-Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
3. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to discover that “mist” is slang for manure. Not many people had use for the “manure stick.”
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. They later learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people are unable to read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
7. Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave”, in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, the ads were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
Reporting The End Of The World
Should the end of the world arrive, how would some of the media sources report it?
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
USA Today: WE’RE DEAD
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog: FINAL SALE
Readers Digest: ‘BYE
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Yahoo News: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
TIME Magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Rejection Letter Response Template
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:
Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the company or agency that sent you this letter's] outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.
Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].
Transcripts From The Courtroom
The following questions were asked by lawyers while in the courtroom….
Q: What happened then?
A: He said, ‘I am going to have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: And, did he kill you?
Q: I show you Exhibit 1 and ask if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Q: She had four children, correct?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Do you recall the approximate time you examined the body?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy began at around 8:00 PM.
Q: And Mr. Sunderland was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, ass hole, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just quietly passes away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated, ma’am?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Q: You said that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: So you were gone until your returned?
Q: Do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Good Girls vs Bad Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini line.
Good girls feel they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls feel they’re fully dressed with only a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls feel they could do it better.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, “Don’t….. Stop…..”
Bad girls say, “Don’t stop….”
How To Piss A Man Off
Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.
Rub his stomach while saying, “Buddha, bring me luck.”
Call your mom while he’s listening and invite her to move in with you.
Tell him you’re pregnant and you’re ‘almost sure’ he’s the father.
Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer’s shorts the last time you were out for a night on the town with the girls.
Tell him that since you want to be closer to him all the time, you’re going to start using ONLY his razor to shave your legs.
Tell him you’ve always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Double points if you say this in front of his parents.
Tell him his brother is a much better lover.
Tie him to the bed, put on your sexiest lingerie and do a strip tease for him. Then have a long heart-to-heart talk with him.
Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put it back together and smile innocently while he goes nuts.
Buy one ticket to his favorite, sold out sporting event. Tell him, “It was the last one, but to avoid any hard feelings, I’ll tear it up so we don’t have to decide who goes.” Then burn it.
While he’s asleep, super glue his willie to his stomach. Tell him, “I was worried it would fall off and you’d lose it.”
Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.
Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blow job he’s ever had. Just before starting say, “Dammit. Chipped a tooth. Oh well, it won’t matter.”
Tie him to the bed and then paint his toenails a bright red.
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