Day At the Races – Marx Bros
Spank The Monkey Children’s Book
Forms Of Capitalism
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute…
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A Modern Way To Look At It
Taxes are essentially just a yearly subscription to the country you live in.
Childhood is the free trial.
Q & A For Lawyers
Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.”
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage….
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Things You Never Want To Hear After Having Sex
“Wait, that’s it?”
“I’m not on birth control anymore.”
“The spice must flow.”
Her saying, “you can stop” in the most disappointed way possible.
“By the way, I’m not really 18.”
“You could do better…”
“You should go to the clinic in the morning, tell them I sent you. They’ll know what to do. “
“Ok folks, same time tomorrow, same webcam channel, different girl”
“Wow, my penis was bigger”.
Someone else’s name.
“That’ll be $250”.
Whispers in your ear: ” have you heard about this game called raid shadow legends?”
“That’ll do pig, that’ll do.”
“I’m Chris Hansen.”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“You’re almost as good as your Dad”
“Honey! I’m home!”
“Sir, this is a Wendy’s”
“Well, that’s 5 minutes I’ll never get back”
“So, you’ve never had sex before?”
“I’m finally a woman. The doctor did a really good job, huh? Bet you couldn’t even tell.”
“My husband’s home…And he thinks you have a cute ass.”
“That’s not my va jay jay!!!”
When the woman says “That ought to be enough to make a baby.”
Her: “I thought you’d done that before”
“If only your dick was as big as your tongue.”
“We need to get the crack by the ceiling fan fixed.”
“Have you ever considered Viagra?”
“Is it supposed to burn like that?“
“That should keep the demons satisfied. For now…”
“Ok, thanks everyone for tuning in! Don’t forget to like and subscribe!!”
A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the “Atlantic Monthly”:
At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.
By then, the cold is probably cured.
Unusual Statement Made By Candidates During The Interview Process.
• I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
• At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
• I feel uneasy indoors.
• Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
• Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
• I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
• I get excited very easily.
• Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
• I am fascinated by fire.
• I like tall women.
• Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
• People are always watching me.
• If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
• Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
• I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
• I never get hungry.
• I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
• If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.
• I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
• My legs are really hairy.
• I think I’m going to throw-up.
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for”
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client
You’re Stuck Between The Baby Boomers And Generations X’ers if…
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.
3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don’t make me repeat it…)
4. You ever rang someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark!”
5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.
6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince’s “1999″ until you passed out partying.
9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
12. You’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger…When I was your age…You know, back when…
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what’s your function….).
14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either “Crazy for You” or “Leather and Lace”.
16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
17. The phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter.
18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie “TRON”.
19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.
20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80′s became something which can only be described by the phrase, “I was experimenting.”
21. You’ve shopped at a Benetton.
Modern Dress Code
Good morning all,
Please do attempt to follow dress code for our meeting today.
Professionalism is necessary to maintain the dignified status of our work environment.
Pajamas should not have spaghetti straps, holes or inappropriate graphics.
Onesies must be fully buttoned though any attached animal heads may be worn in the up position, so long as they do not obstruct your face.
Please do not mix story lines. Frozen and Tangled are not to be worn together. And especially not Star Wars and Star Trek. Only approved Marvel/DC crossover universes may be combined.
Please contact HR for guidance.