Scientifically Accurate Barney
Things You’d Love To Say (But Don’t Dare)
• I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
• Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don’t give a darn.
• Visualizing? I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
• Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied: ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.
‘Good,’ she replied. ‘Get your own fucking blanket.’
After a moment of silence, he farted.
R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.”
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale — R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
Cheap And Simple Ways To Ward Off Burglars
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
• Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
• Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. – Any sign of that book we sent for, “The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats”?
• Selma, don’t come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
• Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
• To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck…
A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:
• Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
• Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
• Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
• Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
• The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
• A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.
• Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
• Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
• Need more signs to keep area pristine.
• A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
• The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
• I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at the lake.
• Too many rocks in the mountains.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
I Was Home Schooled
Most of the generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways .
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why .”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
This is familiar to the over 60 crowd but the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these “EXACT” words by our parents.
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, “Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?”
This didn’t sound anything like my name, so I asked, “Who is calling?”
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, “Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.”
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I was laughing so hard that I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
Why TV Is Better Than The Internet
1. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
2. When was the last time you tuned in to “Survivor” and got a “Not Found 404″ message?
3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.
4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.
7. “CSI” never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
8. You just can’t find those cool infomercials on the Web.
9. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to cable.
10. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.
Philosophers Of The Last Century
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes
that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire.
Old Italian proverb
After the chess game, the King and the Pawn go back into the same box.
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
Kill one man, and you’re a murderer; kill a million, and you’re a conqueror.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, … I have no idea.
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical.
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
If God had intended us to fly in airplanes, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.