Friday Fun Stuff – 5-17-24

Climate Bookie

Conversations with Strangers – Caitlin Cook

Barbie’s I’d Like To See

Administrative Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole, despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-organization, a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

America’s Most Wanted Barbie:
She’s on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbie’s who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Divorced Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

Ecology Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Home Girl Barbie:
Barbie in a midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like “I don’t think so” “Dang, get outta my face” and “You go, girl” Teaches girls not to take any crap from men and/or condescending people.

Melrose Place Barbie:
Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Murder, Barbie Wrote:
Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

My So-Called Barbie:
She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and national recognition.

Oprah Barbie:
Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.

Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “You too can walk thru life in a stupor. Damn these spike heels anyway!”

Roseanne Barbie:
The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. While this Barbie can indeed spout mouthfuls at a time, she cannot sing.

Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, “Hi, I’m Barbie and I’m an alcoholic.” Comes with a “One Day At A Time” bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Voluptuous Barbie:
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o’ Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading “Only the Weak Don’t Eat” and, of course, an appetite.

A Little Office Prayer

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things
I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies
of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
and also, help me to be careful of
the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the ass
that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen

Crazy Laws

Believe it or not these are all legitimate laws that at one time or another were on the books. The scary thing is that some of them still are.

· Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
· Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
· Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
· Bathhouses are against the law.
· In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
· No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
· Women may not drive in a house coat.
· It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
· Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
· You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
· Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
· City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”
· You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
· It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
· Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
· Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
· Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
· It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
· It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
· You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
· It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.
· It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while . What happened, you look terrible! “What do you mean? I’m fine. “What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.

“Well, ” said the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine…really.”

“Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you – you had both hands.”

“We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up the hook, and I feel great, really.”

“Oh,” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? the last time you were in here you had both eyes.”

“One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird crap!”

“Well, I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

The Drunken Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door from the monsignor:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”.
and finally…
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

The Wrong Answer

Two young engineers applied for one position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“Why would you do that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the Department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the Department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear From Your Consultant

1. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.

Vaseline Joke

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it’s answered by a middle-aged man.

“Mornin’ stranger, what can I do for ya?”.

“Well, sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We’re paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we’re soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”

“I don’t see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man,” says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, “Okay… first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”. “Yes sir, for as long as I can remember.”

“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

“Let’s see…..we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex.”

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says “We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you’d use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”

“No problem,” the homeowner says in a whisper, “we put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out.”

Your Daily Moment of Zen

(Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom)

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
14. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
20. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
21. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass then things get worse
24. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed