English As A Foreign Language
Apparently Karen’s are also in England
They’re This Dumb
1. It’s impossible to underestimate you
2. If he/she had an original thought it would rattle around in his/her head and die of loneliness.
3. He’s so far behind he thinks he’s first.
4. If you were half as smart as you think you are, you’d be twice as smart as you really are.
5. His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
6. He needs to carry a plant to make up for the oxygen he’s wasting
7. I can explain it again, if you’d like, but I can’t understand for you.
8. I’m guessing you weren’t burdened with an overabundance of schooling.
9. I believe if there was a harder way to do that, you would find it.
10. Well he’s about as sharp as a sock full of soup.
11. You could blow in their ear and they would say thanks for the refill.
12. More foam than beer.
13. Well pardon me, ma’am but what you don’t know could fill a warehouse.
14. I expect nothing from you, and yet you never fail to disappoint me.
15. I could eat a dictionary and crap out more sense than you make
16. If you had a brain, you’d be on the floor playing with it.
17. My favorite comes from the play Cyrano De Bergerac. “These, my dear sir, are things you might have said, had you some tinge of letters or of wit to color your discourse. But wit? Not so, you never had an atom. And of letters, you need but three to write you down: A, S, S. Ass!”
Don’t Mess With Irish Nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough…
As A Parent, Sometimes It’s Easier To Just Lie, Right?
I told my kids that the hazard light button is the eject button and that we can test of their seat belts are on by pushing it at any point …. Not sure if that’s “cute,” but it’s been super effective.
My Mum used to insist that all cakes had to be completely cold (i.e.: you can’t eat them until the next day) or they would give you a terrible stomach ache.
I only realized a few years ago that this was nonsense when I saw recipes for melting middle chocolate cakes etc. I’m 40!
I tell my daughter her ears turn red when she lies.
So now she feels the need to explain to me just when she’s hot and they turn red.
I used to say the park was shut. Now it actually is and there are signs my kids have started asking why the signs weren’t there before .
Kids think the DVD player in the van only works when the GPS says we are an hour away from home.
That if we made loud noise, whatever was baking in the oven would fall. My daughter actually fact checked me on it.
In my next book, I used one from my own parental handbook, that the alarm motion sensors are Santa cams and have a direct feed to the North Pole.
When I was little I once asked my dad how long he was supposed to warm up the car. He pointed at the brake light and told me when that light turns off it’s time to start driving.
That I can turn my ears off
I told my kids I had cameras in their rooms/and the hallway, so I would see if they were out of bed after lights out or if they were fighting I’d see from downstairs who started it. They believed it for YEARS. I kinda feel bad about it.
My neighbor told his kids that the roadside panhandler was selling broccoli. “Do you want some?” he asked them.
A monster checks all the houses at night for toys left out and then takes the toys to play with them
I told my daughter the TV didn’t work when the sun is out. She’s 25 now…might still be salty about it. (P.S. It worked – she’s a scholar.)
When we play video games together only my controller has batteries
Don’t eat the watermelon seeds, because you will grow one in your tummy!
That your supposed to work 1st, play later. Suckers
We told our kids while living overseas that pets needed passports and that’s why we weren’t moving back with our cat (had found it a great home with people who loved it for another 10 years!)
Definition: Someone who does precision guesswork based on unreliable data provided by those of questionable knowledge.
See also wizard, magician
Things To Say While Having Sex AND While Remodeling A House
• That’s not how Chip and Joanna do it.
• Oh no no no you are not putting that in here.
• I don’t like it.
• I think if we can just remove this it’ll open the space nicely.
• This isn’t the same price you originally quoted.
• No it’s not straight but you won’t notice once it’s in.
• No, I said the big hammer. You can’t get anything done with that little thing. If that’s all you have, go borrow Bob’s from next door.
• Left a bit
• That’s nice
• Gently does it
• Ah just right
• No not there!
• Do you have any idea what you’re supposed to be doing here?
• Will you get off of that!
• Go through a shopping list
• Shoes off first
• Do think it’s time we got a new mattress?
What’s Your Problem?
With acknowledgement to the great Barry Cryer, who died last week:
An old guy visits his doctor:
OG: Doctor, I have a problem
Doc: What is it?
OG: I’m 93.
Doc, I know that. I’m your doctor.
OG: I have a new girlfriend. She’s 22 and beautiful.
Doc: That’s great. What’s your problem?
OG: She’s a great cook. I eat like a king.
Doc: That’s great. What’s your problem?
OG: She keeps my house tidy and makes sure I wear great clothes.
Doc: That’s great. What’s your problem?
OG: She has reawakened my sex drive. We are at it like rabbits, day and night!
Doc: That’s great! What’s your problem?
OG: I’ve forgotten where I live.
Wait, What, Did He Just Say?
“Make sure to tip the waiters and waitresses. It’s pretty funny when they fall over.”
“My computer keeps beating me at chess. But it’s no match for me at kickboxing.”
“When I die, I want it to be in my sleep like my uncle Fred. Not like the passengers screaming on his bus.”
“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”
“I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that gods don’t work that way. So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”
My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate all the time. I said, “Just wait.”
“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.”
“Some people think if a woman has large breasts it means they’re stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
“Have you noticed in any beer commercial, not one man has a beer belly? Maybe the actor in the commercial doesn’t really drink. We’ve been lied to all these years!”
When I was just a child, I would always say my prayers before crawling all snug and warm in my little bed and say: “Lord, please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.” All these decades later and I still can’t get a sports car for free, the IRS won’t recognize I shouldn’t be taxed, and all my attempts to date a supermodel just lead to restraining orders. God hates me.”
You Know You Need A Different Lawyer When…
• You met him in prison.
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
• He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
• He tells you that he’s never told a lie.
• He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
• A prison guard is shaving your head.
Why Has This Taken So Long To Come Out?
I know a lot of men who need this…I don’t, but I know a lot who do
After massive demand from all husbands
A new app called, “Fear” has been launched!
You just say……’Wife’….
It immediately closes all websites, hides all chats, shuts down all games, hides all special folders and deletes chat and browser histories!!!!!
And best above all, it puts your wife’s photograph as a wallpaper
How Did You Get Hurt So Bad?
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. I slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.