ShamWow Guy In Jail
World’s Funniest Flight Attendant Leaves Passengers In Hysterics
What Men Should Never Say After Sex
1) “I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”
2) “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”
3) “How come it’s so BIG in there?”
4) “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before—right?”
5) “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”
6) (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”
7) (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”
8) “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”
9) “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”
10) “Do you know what a ‘douche’ is?”
11) “Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.
12) “I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”
13) “I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”
14) “Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”
15) “I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!”
16) “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately…”
17) “You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”
18) “You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
• Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
• Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
• Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.
• Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
• Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
• Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
• Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
• Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
• Forget your gun at home.
• Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.
• Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancée that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
• Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
• When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It’s all you you you! What about my needs?!”
• When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
• Show up stoned and do anything at all.
• When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”
• Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
• Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
• Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
• Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to Hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
• When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
2. Bikers back down from your momma.
3. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
4. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
5. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
6. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
7. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
8. You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
9. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
10. You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
11. You’ve ever shot a deer while sitting on the toilet.
12. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
13. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
14. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
15. You clean your nails with a pocket knife.
16. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
17. Your Christmas cards have a picture of your butt included.
18. People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
19. You keep a fly swatter in the front seat of your car so you can hit your kids in the back seat of the car.
20. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
Why Can’t I Own A Canadian?
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual un-cleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)
You Know You Are No Longer “Cool” When
• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
More Captain Obvious News Headlines
Didn’t anyone proofread this stuff?
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Former inmate tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church’s focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
Amazing Things To Do In The Library
• Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind”
• Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .
• Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!’
• Say, “Who’s Freddie? Then act like you didn’t say anything.
• Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!
• Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I’d like a hamburger, and a green South America please. When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I’m sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.
• Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there! When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m calling the book genie out!
• Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph Make sure you say MY.
• Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you’re doing, say happily, “I’m roosting!
• Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!
• Stick a ‘kick me sign on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.
• Repeat every thing they say to you.
• Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath? When they look at you strangely, say, “What?”
• Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing. Then do it again.
• Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?”
• Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!
• Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.
• Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.
• Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!”
• Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?
• Get a child’s book like “Green Eggs and Ham and complain that there is no glossary.
• Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative’ and ‘yes’ mean the same thing?
• Say, “Omph! like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How’d this stain get here? while motioning to the ketchup.
What Car Company Names Really Stand For
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Garage Man’s Companion
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive?
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment
Send Another Automobile Back
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
The Top Surprises That Were Supposed To Be In the Re-Mastered “Star Wars”
• New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
• The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba’s big brother, Pizza the Hut.
• During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2′s special attachment.
• Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
• He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader’s seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
• Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin’ goatees.
• Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
• Land speeders replaced with bitchin’ pink Miatas
• Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker’s wacky Mexican caddy
• Darth Vader’s voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin
• Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies
You Think English Is Easy???
Read to the end . . . a new twist!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so………it is time to shut UP!