Airlines Be Like…
The Stresses Of Airport Security
Contemporary Philosophers
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
If life was fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
Hollywood is the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
A Little Cyanide Please
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The Pharmacist’s eyes grew big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide”!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription”.
Dog Commandments
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises.
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litter box.
(she likes her privacy).
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time.
(thou has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
Fighter Aircraft Ownership Survey
This was actually posted very briefly on the Lockheed Martin web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor), and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don’t know: Lockheed Martin is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft.)
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Thank you for purchasing a Lockheed Martin military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name:…………………………………………….
Initial: ……..
Last Name:……………………………………………..
Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
Code Name:……………………………………………..
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19……. / ……./……
4. Serial Number:…………………………………………
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift [_] Aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the Lockheed Martin product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Lockheed Martin product:
[_] Style/Appearance [_] Speed/Maneuverability [_] Price/Value [_] Comfort/Convenience [_] Kickback/Bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_]Lockheed Martin reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Central/South America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia/Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply.)
[_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your Lockheed Martin product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler’s check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales/Marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Postal Worker [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf [_] Boating/Sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running/Jogging [_] Propaganda/Disinformation [_] Destabilization/Overthrow [_] Default on loans [_]Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market/Smuggling [_] Collectibles/Collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation/Torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage/Reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Lockheed Martin serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
LOCKHEED MARTIN CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division
Facts Of Life
1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.
2. S ex is not the answer. S ex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid, too.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.
The Dog And The Marine
The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman’s Poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am may I have that seat”? The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
“Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat”.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. Please Ma’am, may I sit down, I’m very tired?
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant”.
This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked “Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.” You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.”
“And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window”.
Park Registration Sheet Comments
Actual comments received from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:
1. Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
2. Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
3. Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
4. All the mile markers are missing this year.
5. Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
6. Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
7. Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
8. Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
9. Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
10. The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
11. A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.
12. Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
13. Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
14. Need more signs to keep area pristine.
15. A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
16. The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
17. I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
18. Too many rocks in the mountains.
University Drive
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class.”
Pet Peeves Of Morticians…
1. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
2. No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
3. Only 3 hits this month on the “World O’ Coffins” web site.
4. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
5. Ask any chemical professor what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!
6. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of “the willies.”
7. Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
9. Toe tag paper cuts.
10. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
11. Nobody visits your booth at junior high “Career Days.”
12. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
13. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
14. Constant complaints of, “But he looks like Michael Jackson!”
15. Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
Atlanta Airport
You gotta love this one even if you’ve never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Saudi Air 511 — You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised.’
Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Iran Air 711 –You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.’
Iran Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. -Allah is Great.’
Pause…
Saudi Air: ‘ ATLANTA ATC – ATLANTA ATC!
Atlanta ATC: ‘Go ahead Saudi Air 511.’
Saudi Air: ‘YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!’
Atlanta ATC: ‘Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah ‘hey’ for us –
| I Told You It Was Your Fault |
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| Do You Use Kedamine Or Molly For That? |
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| Who Would Sue To Make Sure Their Was A Warning? |
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| Also Known As The Bar |
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| You Forgot The 44 Magnum |
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| Tomorrow It’s Your Turn |
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| If You Can’t Read The One On The Left Your Shouldn’t Be Aloud To Hold Technology In The First Place |
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| BE WARNED!!! |
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| How To Know You Met The Right One |
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| In Case You Didn’t Know, It Was For Shaved Ice, There Was A Blade Inside |
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