Extremely Stupid – Saturday Night Live
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Southwest Safety Announcement
“Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
• If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner
• Fill what is empty, empty what is filled and scratch where it itches
• Bette and I are good friends. There is nothing I wouldn’t say to her face…both of them
• Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don’t have the time
• I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That’s what I call a liberal education.
• Of course I can say Fuck, dahling, I’m a lady!
• Wait for me in the bedroom. If I’m not there in half an hour start without me.
They Help Me Sleep Better
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.
“Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?”
The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”
Never Have I Ever Retro Edition
Give yourself 1 point for each thing you’ve NEVER done.
1. Used a rotary phone
2. Used a floppy disc
3. Used a typewriter
4. Taken photos with a film camera
5. Listened to music on a CD
6. Listened to a cassette tape
7. Listened to a vinyl record
8. Listened to music on a Walkman
9. Listened to music on a boombox
10. Watched a video from a VHS tape
11. Sent or received a fax
12. Recorded music from radio to cassette tape
13. Rented a video from Blockbuster
14. Accessed the internet by dial-up
15. Used a phone book
16. Sent a postcard
17. Used a paper map to get somewhere
18. Owned a dictionary
19. Owned an encyclopedia
20. Paid with a paper check
I’ll Bet You Thought He Just Taught Kids
Mister Rogers had it down cold: after you get home, first order of business is to change into something comfy and then it’s RIGHT into the neighborhood of make believe for some old-fashioned dissociation from the terrors of reality.
Dictionary Of Musical Terms
JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.
RAP: People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND: 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC: OK as long as it’s not the house next door.
But Their Keeping Us Awake
On our last vacation, my wife and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel. Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room.
At first we were amused by the amorous couple. After five minutes it had lost its charm.After ten minutes we were getting pretty annoyed, in that it was keeping us awake. After fifteen minutes, we were just plain ticked off.
After half an hour we were pretty damned impressed.
California Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
A Love Letter From An HR Manager To His Proposed Girlfriend
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms. Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that, I have fallen in love with you since the 19th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of six months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.
Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However, I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you so kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice, and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take me up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation
Romeo – HR Manager