If First Dates Were Honest
It’s Great. It’s Crack. It Gets You Really High.
Fun Things To Do In A Library
A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do…
1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.
2. While pointing to a very simple word, like ‘the’, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say “PEEKABOO!!”
4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say “Ooo. Nice book.” or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.
5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, “You’re one of THEM!”
6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like “what?”, cut them off by saying “Are you accusing me of something?”
7. Read your book. Upside down.
8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.
9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.
10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, “Wow. That was a good book.”
11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, “No, Jim! It’s a trap! Don’t do it!!” Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, “He did it.” when he/she looks at you.
12. Turn to the person and ask, “Have you ever experienced déj?vu and amnesia at the same time?”
13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say “Ohh, I’m sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet.”
14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, “Hi! My name’s (? and I’m really glad to meet you.”
15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.
16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.
17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.
18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, “Got enough air in their?” or, “Settle down in there. I’m trying to read!”
19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, “No it isn’t!”
20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, “Wow! That was a good one!”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
2. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.
3. You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.
4. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
5. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
6. Your screen door has no screen.
7. The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn…”
8. You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
9. Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
10. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
11. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
12. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
13. You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
14. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
15. The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
16. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house
17. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
18. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
19. When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
20. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Did They Really Mean That?
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Out side a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
At my University’s Student center Bathrooms: “If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police.”
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: “Rest Area Next Right” – the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local shop says, “If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.”
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read “Will work for food.” If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read “Now hiring.”
At an office: “This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions.”
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: “Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education.”
Not So Nice Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher – Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
To most men this list of definitions may trigger laughter, embarrassment, phantom pains, etc…
To most women this list of definitions will finally explain what all that racket was about.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh…’
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle…
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
A tool used to make hoses too short.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON OF A B!TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!)
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a b!tch’ at the top of your lungs, just as your in-laws or any impressionable children walk through the door. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative.
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
Now Aren’t You Glad I Spend All Your Money
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’
‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.
‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’
‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.
‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’
‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’
The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’
I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’
I Hate Chemistry Class
Top ten ways to get thrown out of the chemistry lab.
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”
7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again…not again…not again.”
6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker (extra points if you’re a women and can do this standing up).
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
Just A Few Weird Signs
1. Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little.”
2. Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit.”
3. Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day.”
4. Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
5. Sign on the door of the maternity ward: “Push Push Push.”
6. Sign at entrance of the IRS: “Watch your step.”
7. Sign at the exit of the IRS: “Watch your mouth.”
8. Sign in a bookstore: “We treat you write.”
9. Sign on a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”
10. Sign on a scientist’s door: “Gone fission.”
11. Sign in a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
12. Sign in a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”
13. Sign in a butcher’s window: “Let me meat your needs.”
14. Sign on used car lot: “Second hand cars in first crash condition.”
15. Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”
16. Sign in a car dealership office: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
17. Sign over a cannibal’s hut: “I never met a man I didn’t like.”
18. Sign in a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
19. Sign at a hotel. “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
Yogi Berra Quotes
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.”
“No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“You can observe a lot by just watching.”
“I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.” – Yogi Berra