Toilet Tissue from The Carol Burnett Show
(Remember the good old days when you cared what kind you got)
• I’m not breaking up with you, I’m just social distancing.
• I still haven’t decided if I want to get ripped or fat during this.
• I’ve been periodically watching twitter all day and can’t tell if people are extremely creative & low key geniuses or having a full blown mental breakdown. When should I be worried?
• A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I’m married to a “let’s circle back” guy — who knew?
• There is going to be a lot of pressure over the next few days to talk to friends and family. Fight it. Stay positive.
• First time in history you can save humanity by doing nothing. You have only one chance. Don’t screw it!
NASA: Congratulations space Station crew, your mission is now complete. You may return to earth.
Space Crew: Thanks, but no.
Really Bad COVID-19 Jokes
• You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.
• Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….
• Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.
• I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
• You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
• If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.
• You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
• Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and you’re shit out of luck.
• Yeah I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
• What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus
• What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.
A Good Excuse
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A Few Short Ones
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww… Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Student: Uhmm, depends on what you need
Some guy called me a tool.
So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right.
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *Walks away*
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha… (Condom walks off laughing)
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Don’t break anybody’s heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.
Man: “Hey baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not enter.”
What’s In A Name
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.”
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.”
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me”
The parrot replied, “Yes.”
Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?”
The parrot said, “Clarence.”
The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”
Dr. Seuss Books That Were Rejected By His Publisher
• The Cat in the Microwave
• Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
• Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?
• The Fox in Detox
• The Grinch’s Ten Inches
• One B!tch, Two B!tch, Dead B!tch, Blue B!tch
• Zippy the Gerbil
• My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
• Who Shat in the Hat?
• Horton Hires a Ho
• How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
• Aunts in My Pants
• Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
And Here I Thought Bear’s Were Atheists
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Hopefully you’ve never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that “special” someone asks you out and you don’t know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.
1. I have to floss my cat
2. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People
3. I want to spend more time with my blender
4. The President said he might drop in
5. The man on television told me to say tuned
6. I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant
7. I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it
8. There’s a disturbance in the Force
9. I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling
10. I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted
11. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products
12. I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal
13. My crayons all melted together
14. I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes
15. My patent is pending
16. I’m attending the opening of my garage door
17. I’m sandblasting my oven
18. I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise
19. I’m being deported
20. I’ll be looking for a parking space
Three Trees And A Woodpecker
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
Now wipe that smile off your face
Rules Of Chocolate
• If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
• If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
• But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
• Money talks. Chocolate sings.
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
• Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
• A. Because no one wants to quit.
• If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
• Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do every today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.