Ernestine Gossips With Cher – 1975
JUUL CEO: No More Advertising to Kids
Amusing Quotes About Getting Old
• Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
• Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
• No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
• Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
• A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
• You’re only young once but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
• Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
• You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
• Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
• A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
• You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
• He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
• True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
• There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
• You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
• As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
• I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
• None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
• Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers
• Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
• It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
• If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown
And Send Back The Wine
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: ‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’
Funny Complaint Letters
• It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water; it’s a funny color and not fit to drink.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
• The next-door neighbor has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
I Can Totally See My Wife Doing This
Once I went to a party with my husband, full of people he knew (from work) but I didn’t.
A guy came up to us, turned to me and said, “You must be his wife.”
I turned to my husband and said, “You have a WIFE?”
Should’ve seen the guy’s face!
Just Brutal Insults
1. You’re not worth the dirt to bury you in.
2. You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
3. 2090 called. You’re dead and you wasted your time on earth.
4. I bet you like your steak well done. With ketchup
5. I do desire that we may be better strangers.
6. You make a lot of noise for someone who says nothing.
7. Your mother should’ve swallowed you.
8. Jesus loves you, I don’t have to.
9. You’re not worth the dynamite it’d take to blow you to hell.
10. Don’t contaminate the gene pool with your worth-less seed
11. Okay now try again but this time use your big boy/girl words.
12. You should try eating some makeup so at least you can be pretty on the inside.
13. Ah, so you’re the reason we have warning labels on everything.
14. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
15. I would love to insult you but I afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.
16. It must be difficult for you, exhausting your entire vocabulary in one sentence.
17. Go polish your crocs.
18. I wasn’t insulting you. I was describing you.
Little Johnny Farts
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out!
He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing.
The principal walks by and sees him, “Little Johnny, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?”
“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” Said Johnny
The principal asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”
“Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in the fresh air.”
Telling A Lie
Telling a lie is a sin for a Child,
A Fault for an Adult,
An Art for a Lover,
A Profession for a Lawyer,
A Requirement for a Politician,
A Management Tool for a Boss,
An Accomplishment for a Bachelor,
An Excuse for a Subordinate,
And a matter of Survival for a Married Man.
A man asked his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”
“That’s easy,” she replied. “I’d take half of your winnings and then I’d leave you.”
“Great!” said the husband. “I won $10, so here’s $5. Stay in touch.”
Unhelpful Things To Say In A Crisis
• You must have done something terrible in another life.
• I told you so.
• It can only get better.
• Just calm down, stuff happens.
• If only you hadn’t done that.
• I’m sensing a bit of tension. Have I done something to upset you?
• That shouldn’t happen, should it?
• Don’t panic, don’t panic.
• You’ll laugh about this one day.
• Jeez, you’ve got a real problem there.
• Now that was a really serious mistake.
• I guess it’s not a good time to ask for a pay raise?
• Didn’t you say you hadn’t renewed the insurance policy?
• Statistically speaking this doesn’t happen very often.
• Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
• Does this mean our date’s off tonight?
• Oh well, mistakes can be valuable learning experiences.
• You can always draw a line under it and move on.
• What does Google say?
• Was that really expensive?
• There are people who would love to be where we are right now.
• However bad it may be, it could be worse.
• When life gives you lemons, you can always make lemonade.
• That’s incredible. You wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
• I couldn’t cope with what you’re going through right now.
• When I think of situations like yours, I count my blessings.
• God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle.
• Did you know that the probability of that happening was about a trillion to one?
• There are people in this world with more problems than you have right now.
• Wow I am so glad I’m not you right now!
Shopping For A Parrot
Once a man went to a shop to buy parrot.
He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot:
Shop owner: $500
Customer: Why so costly?
Shop owner: Because this parrot knows, Word, Excel, and Power Point
Customer: What’s the price of this second Parrot?
Shop owner: $1,000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point, and also Programming
Customer: How nice!
And what’s the price of this sleeping parrot?
Shop owner: That’s for $5,000
Customer: And what does it know?
Shop owner: That I don’t know, I haven’t seen him do anything, but the other two parrots call him boss.