If People Acted Like They Do on Dating Apps
Alternative Responses To “I Love You”
• Who doesn’t
• I know
• A horrible decision, really
• *laughs nervously*
• *laughs hysterically*
• I’m sorry
• *finger guns*
Cricket Is Quite Simple
You have two sides………Ours and theirs, one out in the field and one in. Each man in the side that’s in, goes out, and, when he’s out, he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. Then, when they have all been in and are all out, the side that’s been in the field goes in and the side that’s in goes out and tries to get out those coming in. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. Then when both sides have been in and out, including not-outs, that’s the end of the game.
…It’s really very simple*
1. The cat is not allowed on the furniture.
2. Alright, the cat can go on the furniture, but NOT the kitchen counter.
3. OK, the cat can go on the kitchen counter too, just not when I’m preparing the food.
4. Fine. The cat can go wherever it wants, whenever it wants, as long as it doesn’t swat me in the face at 5:30 in the morning demanding to be fed.
5. The cat will be fed at 5:30 in the morning.
Just As The Founding Fathers Intended
I own a musket for home defense, since that’s what the founding fathers intended
Four ruffians break into my house
“What the devil?” As I grab my powered wig and Kentucky rifle
Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he’s dead on the spot
Draw my pistol on the second man, misses him entirely because it’s smooth bore and nails the neighbors dog.
l have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot
“Tally ho lads” the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms
Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion,
Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up
Just as the founding fathers intended.
Dilbert’s Modern Vocabulary
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”
Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Dylan, my … um … friend”.
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
“Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. “Well yeah, if that’s what they are,” he said. “I never heard of circle flies, though.”
“Oh, they’re pretty common on farms,” said the farmer. “We call ‘em circle flies because they’re always circling around the back end of a horse.
“I see,” said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer,” replied the farmer. “I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
“Well, that’s a good thing,” said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. “Hard to fool them flies, though.”
Ten Things You’ll Never Hear From A Southern Boy
1. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
2. You can’t feed that to the dog.
3. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
4. Trim the fat off that steak.
5. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
7. Duct tape won’t fix that.
8. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
9. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
10. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’.
Talk About A Bad Report Card
6 year old kid looking at Mom’s ID Card
Mom What’s so funny?
Kid I can’t believe you’re so bad in sex that you failed in it.
Husband died laughing
Things Only A Mother Can Teach
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”
7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
10. My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here?”
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you… then you’ll see what it’s like”
What Did You Think He Was Doing With It
A coffin maker was on his way to deliver one of his coffins, in the process, his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A police officer saw him and told him to stop, so he asked, “Hey, what are you carrying and where are you going?”
The man replied, “l do not like where I was buried so I am relocating.” The policeman fainted.