Friday Fun Stuff – 4-30-21

Night Court – Brent Spiner In The Role That Made Him Famous

The Kiss of Death From Star Trek – Robot Chicken

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings

1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not skateboard in the halls
3. I will not burp in class
4. I will not instigate revolution
5. I will not draw naked ladies in class
6. I did not see Elvis
7. I will not call my teacher ‘Hot Cakes’
8. Garlic gum is not funny
9. They are laughing at me, not with me
10. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
11. I will not encourage others to fly
12. I will not fake my way through life
13. Tar is not a plaything
14. I will not Xerox my butt
15. I will not trade pants with others
16. I will not do that thing with my tongue
17. I will not drive the principal’s car
18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
19. I will not sell school property
20. I will not cut corners
21. I will not get very far with this attitude
22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
23. I will not belch the National Anthem
24. I will not sell land in Florida
25. I will not grease the monkey bars
26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
27. I will not do anything bad ever again
28. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}

Don’t Mess With Kids Smart Enough To Travel On Their Own

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger’s.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?

“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea,”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Best Out Of Office Automatic E-Mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately
19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

Game Show Idea

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house. The object for the gay men is to find out who isn’t gay. Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left. or the straight man is out. If the gays manage to outvote him, they win 1 million dollars. If the straight man is among the 2 last people in the house in the end, he wins 1 million dollars.

Now here’s the twist: None of the men are actually gay, they just all think they are the one straight man.

More Fun Things To Do When Driving

1. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
2. Restart your car at every stop light.
3. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
4. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
5. Keep at least five cats in the car.
6. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
7. If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
8. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
9. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
10. Stop and collect road kill.
11. Stop and pray for road kill.
12. Stop and cook road kill. (If in Tennessee.)
13. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
14. Get in the fast lane and gradually… slow… down… to…a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
15. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
16. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! Wrong state!”
17. Sing without having the radio on.
18. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off.

Ground Control

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, “US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on ‘Charlie’ taxiway; you turned right on ‘Delta.’ Stop right there! I know it’s difficult to tell the difference between C’s & D’s, but try to get it right!”

Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, “God, you’ve screwed everything up; it’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?”

The humbled crew responded, “Yes, Ma’am.”

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state, and tension in every cockpit was running high.

Eventually an unknown male pilot broke the silence, asking, “Controller, wasn’t I married to you once?”

No Comments!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come to mind any more

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged Marriage.
It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has one.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has her!

Limited Time Only

Are you sick of those stains on your carpet, the mess in the bathroom and kitchen? Are you worried that you will have to spend tons of money just to clean up what your loved one leaves behind? Now, you don’t have to worry because you can have your very own……………………..new personalized husband!

The following is a list of the commands this product will perform:
1. It will clean up after itself.
2. It will stay out of your way.
3. It will keep the toilet seat down.
4. It will not talk back.
5. Worried about your kids? This baby can take care of anything!

Does this sound too good to be true? We forgot to mention.
It has an on/off switch!

Note: This product sold for a limited time only. Batteries not included.

Worst First World Problems

1. When you spend so long looking for something to watch on Netflix, that your dinner gets cold.
2. When you have too many chips for your dip… but if you open another dip, you will have too much dip for your chips.
3. When you have to go all the way upstairs to get your laptop charger.
4. That moment when you have to wait 4.5 seconds deciding whether or not to hold the door for someone because they are at awkward distance.
5. When you crack your iPad screen because you dropped your iPhone on it.
6. One click on your mechanical pencil isn’t enough, and two clicks is too much.
7. When the tag on your shirt is itchy but you don’t want to cut it because it’s a chore.
8. When you want to adjust the temperature but your thermostat is busy downloading an update.
9. When no one is in the elevator with you so you have no one to impress when you press the button to your suite.
10. When you pay your maid a decent wage, which she uses to get educated and find a better job.

The Creation…Business Style

In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And darkness was upon the faces of the workers

And they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth:
“It is a crock, and it stinketh!”

And the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth:
“It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.”

And the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them:
“It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him:
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Director went unto his Vice-President, and sayeth:
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Vice-President went unto the President, and sayeth unto him:
“It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the President went unto the Chairman of the Board and sayeth unto him:
“This powerful new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of the Company.”

And the Chairman looked upon the Plan
And saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

I’LL GO BACK ON MY DIET I SWEAR!!!