Disney Princess Spring Breakers Trailer
The Women Of LA
PG13 Song about the women in LA…unfortunately it’s mostly true.
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can’t shave
- Your wife can’t shave
- You can’t wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- And your wife smells worse than your donkey Then they tell you that “when you die, it all gets better”?
Well no sh!t Sherlock!….
It’s not like it could get much worse
“When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.” – Desmond Tutu
“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.” – David Letterman
“I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.” – Howard Hughes
“After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.” – Italian proverb
“Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for years.” – May West
“The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.” Jean Kerr
“I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.” – Jeff Foxworthy
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips
“Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.” – Harrison Ford
“The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.” – Spike Milligan
“Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.” – Robin Hall
“Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.” – Jean Rostand
“Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
“We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.” – W.H. Auden
“In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.” – Jonathan Katz
“If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson
“I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
“Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.” – Steve Martin
“Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.” – Jimmy Durante
“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” – John Glenn
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?” – Steven Wright
“America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.” – Doug Hamwell
“The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who’s there.” – George Roberts
“If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!” – Jonathan Winters
“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Robert Benchley
What Did He Say?
You have got to read this twice
Two JAMAICANS having a conversation in a LONDON BUS
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can’t take this any more,
“You foul-mouthed se x obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our se x lives.
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
“Who talkin’abouta se x? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘.”
I bet you’re gonna read this again!
So don’t blame me if you’re offended, I did worn you.
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next sh!t could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@stard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
Why Did You Miss Work?
As far as excuses go, nothing will ever seem as unbelievable or induce quite as many eye rolls as, “The dog ate my homework.” However, working adults don’t always have the most believable excuses either. When asked to share the most memorable explanations employees have used for missing work, employers reported the following real-life examples:
•Employee’s sobriety tool wouldn’t allow the car to start
•Employee forgot he had been hired for the job
•Employee said her dog was having a nervous breakdown
•Employee’s dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation
•Employee’s toe was stuck in a faucet
•Employee said a bird bit her
•Employee was upset after watching “The Hunger Games”
•Employee got sick from reading too much
•Employee was suffering from a broken heart
•Employee’s hair turned orange from dyeing her hair at home
South Park Quotes
Kyle: We’re guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.
Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Hey. You did me already.
Stan: Dude, we don’t have any talent.
Cartman: That didn’t stop any of the other boy bands, damn it!
Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sex!st statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I’m sorry, Wendy. But I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what’s good for people more than they do.
-Rob Reiner, South Park,
Officer Barbrady: You can’t kidnap people and lock them in your basement!
Cartman: They’re not people; they’re hippies!
Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned.
Stan: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.
Kyle: Cartman, that’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said…this week.
Butters: I don’t want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.
Eric Cartman: Come on Kyle. Just because your mom is a bitch doesn’t mean that we all have to suffer.
Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn’t you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick b@stard.
Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna’s are totally gay.
Tweek: But what if I’m trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Stan: We’re not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
Stan: I said, “We’re not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.”
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
What Did You Want?
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
The Best Smart Ass Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter se xual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
Why Some Men Have A Dog And No Wife:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
And last… but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
To test this theory lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour…
Then open it and see who’s happy to see you…
The Things I Owe My Parents!
1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning.”
2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing & break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper”
9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My Parents taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
And my favorite:
25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”