Friday Fun Stuff – 11-21-25

Handyman Corner – Cigarette Car

What You Will Never See On A Plane

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”

* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute. . . I’ll find someone.

* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

A Hell Of A Way To Learn About Life

During a power outage, the house was pitch black. A paramedic arrived just in time to help deliver the baby. He handed a flashlight to 3-year- old Kathleen and asked her to shine it over her mommy so he could see what he was doing.

Brave little Kathleen held it steady like a champ. Moments later, baby Connor entered the world. The paramedic lifted him up, gave him a little spank to get him crying – you know, the usual baby procedure.

Then he turned to Kathleen and asked, “So what did you think of all that?”

Without missing a beat, that wide-eyed little girl said: “Well… he shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!”

Teaching Math Over 50 Years

Teaching Math In The 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In The 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In The 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 Did he make profit? Yes or No.

Teaching Math In The 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In The 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:

“How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. Feel free to express your feelings. e.g., anger anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness, etc.).

Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are counselors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.

What Did He Say?

Twin sisters in a New York nursing home were turning 100 years old. The New York Times sent a photographer to take their picture. One sister was hard of hearing, and the other could hear just fine.

When the photographer arrived, he asked them to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister yelled, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

Her twin shouted back, “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”

Then the cameraman said, “Now get a little closer together.”

Again, she yelled, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“He says squeeze together a little!”

So, they scooted in nice and close.

“Hold on, I just need to focus a little,” said the photographer.

Once more she hollered, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

Her sister answered, “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted excitedly, “WHAT? BOTH OF US?!”

Texan Computer Terms

“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
“Keyboard” —- Place to hang your truck keys.
“Window” —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.
“Floppy” —— When you run out of Polygrip.
“Modem” ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.
“ROM” ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
“Byte” ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.
“Reboot” —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
“Network” —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
“Mouse” ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
“LAN” ——– To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”
“Cursor” —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
“bit” ——— A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.”
“digital control” — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
“packet” —— What you do to a suitcase or Wall-Mart bag before a trip.

Where Is That Doctor

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill that his foundation is testing, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay we’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

Things I Learned From My Children

Super glue “is” forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Pool filters “do not like Jell-O!”

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It’s been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

You Have A Dirty Mind

Johnny decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. So, they loaded up Johnny’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize the weather is awful out there, and I have this huge house all to myself since I’m recently widowed,” she said. “But I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay inside.”

“Don’t worry,” Johnny said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone before dawn.”

The lady agreed, and the two men headed to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, so they went on their way to go skiing.

About nine months later, Johnny received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally realized it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow from the farm.

“Bob, do you remember the good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at during our trip up north about nine months ago?” Johnny asked.

“Yes, I do,” Bob said.

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go to the house, and pay her a visit?”

“Well… um… yes,” Bob admitted, a little embarrassed. “I have to confess that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?”

Bob’s face turned bright red. “Yeah. Look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“Well,” Johnny said, “because she just died and left me everything.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)

You Know You Are A Teacher If…

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August to June.
10. When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
15. You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
18. You want to choke a person when he or she says “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
19. Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”