Friday Fun Stuff – 8-23-24

Bob Newhart – “Air Traffic Controller” 1960′s TV

If Dating Shows Were Haunted

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Classmates

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Jane notices his degree certificate on the wall, which includes his full name.

Suddenly, Jane remembers a tall, handsome boy from her high school class some 45 years ago who had exactly the same name. Naturally, she wonders whether this can be the same guy.

However, upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. Surely this ageing, balding, grey-haired old man with a deeply lined face could not possibly be one of her old high school classmates?

After he had finished examining her teeth, Jane decided to ask him whether he attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“That’s amazing. What year did you graduate then?” Jane asks.

“In 1973” he responds.

“Amazing, you were in my class!” Jane exclaims.

He looks at her closely and then asks, “What subject did you teach?“

Only In America…

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do people order a double cheeseburger, large order of fries and a diet coke.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well, “poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures.”

Teaching Psychology

The teacher welcomed his new English Literature class at the beginning of the academic year and then said, “This year, we will be studying ‘The Canterbury Tales’ by Chaucer.“

He allowed a few moments for the students to reflect on his comment.

“Now, one thing I must tell you,” the teacher continued, “in anticipation of a question I’m always asked, we will not be including ‘The Nun’s Priest’s Tale.”

“Why not?” asked a student at the front of the class.

“Because,” the teacher responded in an obviously disapproving manner, “The Nun’s Priest’s Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for students of your age. So, please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we’ll begin with that.“

At the next lesson, the teacher welcomed the class again and then said, “Right, students. Please open your copy of “The Canterbury Tales’ at ‘The Nun’s Priest’s Tale’. I am sure you will all have read this by now.“

Jokes About Getting Old

• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
• Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.
• I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.
• How come everyone my age seems older than me?
• I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.
• A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.
• I’m so old, I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
• Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
• Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
• You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.
• We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.
• You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
• My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.
• I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine, but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.

The Will Reading

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

“To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.

“To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”

Sarcasm Quotes

• Me? Sarcastic? Never!
• Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
• Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
• If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• Stupidity is not a crime. So you’re free to go
• Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
• Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your foot in your mouth and you head up your ass at the same time?
• You never learn anything by doing it right.
• If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
• I’m returning your nose dear! I found it in my business.
• I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
• From the moment I saw you I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
• If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
• I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
• Am I free tomorrow? No, I’m expensive.
• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
• Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
• I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
• I disagree but I respect your right to be stupid.
• I stopped listening, so why don’t you stop talking?
• Patience: What you have when there are far too many witnesses.

Under The Influence

A police officer spots a man driving erratically and thinks he might be witnessing a DUI violation.

Naturally, he pulls the guy over.

“Sir,” said the officer, “have you been drinking?”

“Yes, officer,” the guy responds, “I have.”

“So, how much have you drunk tonight?” the officer asks.

“Well, let me see,” says the guy, “I started in O’Malley’s Bar, and I had five beers there. Then I went to Finnigan’s Bar, and I drank seven double vodkas. Finally, I went to Riley’s Bar, and I drank a full bottle of Bushmills whiskey.”

“Sir,” said the police officer, “I need you to step out of your car and take a breathalyser test to see if you’re over the limit.”

“Why?” says the guy. “Don’t you believe me?”

Words Of Wisdom From Children

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. – Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13
6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13
7. Don’t pull granddad’s finger when he tells you to – Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair -Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. -Traci. 14
10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers. – Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9
13. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass milk. – Amir, 9
14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. -Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick – Lauren, 9
17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school. show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha,
19. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen. 8

Be Careful When Throwing Stones

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town’s morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Even The One Standing Up Looks Terrified