Adam And Eve In The Friend Zone
10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
A Little Cyanide Please
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The Pharmacist’s eyes grew big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide”!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription”.
A Peek Inside Martha Stewart’s Calendar:
Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for Jan.
Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5: Make a new Faberge egg.
Jan 6: Freshen air in home; place 12 Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books; cross out people I don’t know.
Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus.
Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for friends w/elderly relatives, so they’re ready to go
Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener.
Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16: Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
Jan 17: Plan repainting of Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class.”
Kids View Of Marriage And Relationships
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10
“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7
“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some
coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8
“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10
Corporate Email/Memo Translator
“A Growing Body of Opinion”:
Two high ranking officials have already agreed in this matter
What it was we started out to do in the first place
Influencing factors preferably those incapable of being proven or disproven
One who, having mastered both Parkinson’s Law and the Peter Principle, can now draw a straight line indicating the longest distance between two points
Filling in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground
“Close the Issue”:
It’s not safe to push this any further
Now we’re in this together
“Concur in Principle”:
I haven’t read the paper and don’t want to be bound by anything it says
An arbitrary date, normally selected by splitting the difference between the boss’s vacation and the next three day weekend
“Facts Bearing On The Problem”:
Those aspects of the mess that support our recommended action or which we know we can’t hide anyway
An intriguing approach to legitimizing those afternoons on the green
I am not going to take the blame for this all by myself
My boss said I have to get you to sign off on this, whether you know anything about it or not
“For Your Information”:
There may be some action required here, but I just don’t see it
“Give Us the Benefit Of Your Thinking”:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it does not interfere with what we have already decided to do
A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front: 60 is not old.
On the back: …If you’re a tree.
I’m still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, “getting lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.
Annapolis–A drinking town with a sailing problem.
I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I’m not a snob. I’m just better than you are.
It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring….I may do a trick.
We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it’s gone.
Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Live your life so that when you die, they won’t have to tell lies at your funeral.
Rules Guys Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
25. No, it does not matter which quiz.
26. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
28. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
29. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
31. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
32. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
33. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
34. If it itches, it will be scratched.
35. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
36. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
37. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
38. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
39. What the hell is a doily?
Your Starship Captain Might Be A Redneck If . . .
1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
2. He paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
3. You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.
4. He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.
5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.
6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.
7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
8. He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.
9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen.
10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
12. He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.
13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
14. He insists on calling his first officer “Bubba”.
15. He sets the fore view screen to re-runs of “Bassmaster”.
16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
17. He paints the starship camouflage green.
18. He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.
19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.
20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
21. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls and matching socks.
22. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
23. His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
24. He sets his phaser to “Cajun”.