Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

The First Female President of the United States

Rebel Alliance Life Insurance – Studio C

Can You Lick The Science?

Chemistry: NO!!!! DON’T!!!
Archeology: Maybe, it depends.
Geology: Either needed or dangerous
Psychology: You really shouldn’t
Physics: ??HOW??
Zoology: Science licks you
Anthropology: ??Ask first??
Herpetology: BAD PLAN BAD PLAN
Sociology: If you want to piss everyone off
Botany: Might die, might taste great
Epidemiology: For the sake of the world DON’T!!!

A Truthful Prayer

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.

“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” said his father.

“Okay”, the boy said,”

“Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy’s computer who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work. AMEN”

Dinner was cancelled.

Corporate Time Equivalent

“Just a sec” = 5 minutes
“Just a minute” = 10 minutes
“No more than 5 minutes” = 1 hour
“Quick meeting” = 3 hours
“Could use a hand” = 1 week
“Could really use a hand” = 1 week + the weekend
“Assist on” = 3 months + 1 month plotting an escape
“Cool little project” = 6 endless months
“Let’s revisit this later” = Never shall we speak of this again

C’mon, They Walked Into That One

English Teacher: Can you give me the reverse of this sentence? “Kids in the dark make errors.”

Student: “Errors in the dark make kids.”

Teacher: Leave the class. Right now.

How To Know Where You Are

If you’re naked on the front porch and the neighbors can’t see you, it’s rural.

If you’re naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it’s suburban.

If you’re naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it’s urban.

If you’re naked on the front porch and your neighbor is also naked, it’s Florida.

Dirty Parrots

A woman went to her priest with a problem. ‘Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”

‘That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your parrots will learn to praise and worship’

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the males.

The female parrot said, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”

Medical Terms

Tumor: One plus one more
Urine: Opposite of you’re out,
Enema: Not a friend
Artery: The study of paintings
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport
Dilate: To live a long time
Out-Patient: A person who has fainted
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Secretion: Hiding something
Fibula: A small lie
Node: I knew it
Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome

Strange Dog

Two policemen with a dog are standing outside of a bar.

A guy comes out, lifts up the dogs tail, shakes his head and leaves.

A few minutes later another guy comes out and does the same thing.

The policemen begin to wonder what’s going on but don’t say anything.

When a third guy comes out of the bar to look at the does ass, they stop him and ask, “What are you doing?”

The drunken guy replies, “Sorry but I had to look for myself, a guy inside is claiming that there is a dog with two assholes standing in front of the bar.”

Most Common Dog Commands

“Sit”
“Stay”
“Hover ominously”
“GLOW!!”
“Resurrect a fallen ally”
“Split yourself into two so I have more dogs to pet”
“Seal the portal”
“Shoot lasers”
“Channel the fire breath of a mighty dragon”
“Spread love, destroy evil”

What Research Paper?

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

Isn’t That Always The Case