Friday Fun Stuff – 1-20-23

Marriage Porn

How Some News Sites Write Articles

This video perfectly captures how websites manufacture outrage and turn it into news

Actual Analogies Used By High School Students In English Essays

I. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
2. Her eyes twinkled, like the mustache of a man with a cold.
3. She was like a magnet: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.
4. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of
E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.
7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

The Beauty Of Married Life

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.

Bar Troubleshooting Chart

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

Understanding Your Paycheck:

Gross pay: $1,222.02

244.40 Income Tax
45.21 Outgo Tax
61.10 State Tax
5.89 Interstate Tax
6.11 County Tax
12.22 City Tax
4.44 Rual Tax
1.11 Back Tax
1.16 Front Tax
1.61 Side Tax
2.22 Up Tax
1.11 Down Tax
1.98 Knickknack Tax
3.93 Hackensack Tax
0.98 Thumb Tax
0.69 Carpet Tax
8.32 Snack Tax
3.46 Sur Tax
3.46 Ma’am Tax
5.00 Parking Fee
10.00 No Parking
81.88 F.I.C.A.
9.95 T.G.I.F
5.85 Life Ins.
16.23 Health Ins.
2.50 Disability Ins.
0.25 Ability Ins.
3.41 Liability Ins.
4.50 Dental Ins.
4.33 Mental Ins.
0.11 Fundamental Ins.
6.85 Coffee
66.51 Coffee Cups
3.06 Calendar Rental
16.85 Floor Rental
4.32 Chair Rental
4.32 Desk Rental
5.85 Union Dues
3.77 Union Dont’s
0.69 Cash Advances
121.35 Cash Retreats
1.26 Over Time
54.83 Under Time
9.00 Eastern Time
8.00 Central Time
7.00 Mountain Time
6.00 Pacific Time
4.44 Daylight Savings
12.21 Time Out
10.22 Oxygen
16.54 Water
38.23 Electricity
51.42 Heat
46.83 Air Conditioning
169.24 Misc.

Total Take Home Pay = $0,000.02
This is where the expression “just my 2 cents” came from.

Five Maxims of Making Excuses

1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.

2) Always put the blame on something that can’t defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.

3) Whine convincingly.

4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don’t have that headache.

5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses: – I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn’t find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
- I’m taking care of a sick aunt…no, this is a different one.
- The car ran out of gas.
- Well, you never told me I couldn’t do that.
- He started it.
- I have jet lag.
- I’d really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
- I missed the bus.
- The alarm didn’t go off.
- I couldn’t find a parking space.
- The Devil made me do it.
- Drugs made me do it.
- Everybody else does it.
- That’s not my department.
- Our computer’s down.
- We must have misplaced your original request.
- It’s on someone else’s desk.
- Don’t ask me
- I just work here.

What Did He Think They Were Praying For?

A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him, ”Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest asked.

They say, ”Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

”That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment……”You know,” he said, ”I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”

”Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying.

Impressed, she walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot & says…

“Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!”

Preparation For Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “Postman Pat” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

What Is A Dilemma

One friend said to the other: what is a dilemma, actually?

He replied: well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…

1. You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
8. Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
9. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
10. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
11. Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
13. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
14. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
15. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
16. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
17. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
18. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
19. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
20. If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”

You’ll Notice His Wife Wasn’t With Him

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over
to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?’

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

And You Thought Having A Hart Attack While Shoveling It Was The Worst Thing That Could Happen