Classic Comedy From W.C. Fields
That One Not-Friend You Love To Hate
The Modern New York Night Club
New York’s hottest club is the rapid COVID test line. This place has everything: 3 hour wait times, a double parked car with it’s alarm going off, 2+ crying babies, an old white dad saying “THIS IS RIDICULOUS” every 5 minutes, a construction site blowing sawdust on everyone.
I Refuse To Put On Winter Tires Because:
• It’s my car, my choice, my freedom.
• The effectiveness of winter tires is not proven, except by studies carried out by the manufacturers (like I’m supposed to trust them).
• My neighbor Bob had an accident even after putting on winter tires.
• Some drivers are already on their 3rd set of tires, which proves their ineffectiveness.
• We do not know what the tires are made of.
• The tire manufacturers scare us with winter just to enrich themselves.
• In fact, I read on the internet that the tire giants invented snow and spread it at night when you sleep.
• If I have winter tires, the government can track me in the snow.
Educate yourself, open your eyes, stop being sheep!
A Woman Sends A Text To Her Husband
Wife: “Honey, don’t forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, buy the bread!
* SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
* SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a ‘home business’.
* 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message ’404 Not Found’ meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).
* MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.
* BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.
* LAST TIME BUYER: A person buying a retirement home.
Best Ever Senior Citizen Joke
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle. and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all. no matter what we do. we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh…
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
The Advantages Of Old Age!
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later…
I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is… “I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.
I don’t have gray hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! As you can see, I’m very, very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
I Doubt This Would Work
Cop pulls over a guy for speeding. Officer says, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Guy says “Well you couldn’t have seen the 50 kilos of cocaine I have in the trunk or the heroin in the glove compartment. I don’t think you saw the automatic weapons I have under the passenger seat yet. So… I dunno?”
Cop says “WAIT HERE” and backs away to call for reinforcement. 5 squad cars pull up and demand the guy get out while they search the car. The trunk has a spare tire. Under the seats are some lost french fries. The glove compartment conceals the owner’s manual.
Another officer walks up and says “I don’t understand. This officer told us your call was chock full of crazy illegal drugs and all sorts of guns.”
The guy says, “Yeah, I bet that lying asshole told you I was speeding too.”
Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
7. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
8. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
9. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
10. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
11. Name your dog “Dog.”
12. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
13. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
14. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
15. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
16. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
17. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
18. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
19. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
20. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
21. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
22. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
23. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
24. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
25. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Nervous About flying?
Don’t be. As long as the 2 million parts in a plane work perfectly while traveling at close to the speed of sound as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees 7 miles above the Earth’s surface, you’ll be absolutely fine.
Text Codes For Seniors
ATD – At The Doctors
BFF – Best Friend Fell
BTW – Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
GHA – Got heartburn Again
IMHO – Is My Hearing-aid On
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
TTYL – Talk To You Louder