The Murder Twins: Superheroes Who Take It Too Far
Women To Men: Please Catcall Us (PSA)
Rejection Lines By Women
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that banjo player in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a silent difference in our ages. (I don’t want to date my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)
5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system,’ much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
And the Number One rejection line given by women:
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with)
Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: I’m sure that you have been told that in today’s world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup — a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Six: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Seven: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
• Be awfully nice to them going up, because you’re going to meet them all coming down. (Jimmy Durante)
• Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it. (Harry S. Truman)
• There is only one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says ‘yes’ he’s not honest. (Groucho Marx)
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain)
• A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. (Mark Twain)
• When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better. (Mae West)
• Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. (Mae West)
• I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately. (Mark Twain)
• It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)
• Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. (Mark Twain)
• When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. (Winston Churchill)
• I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. (W.C. Fields)
• I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it. (Groucho Marx)
• Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. (Mark Twain)
• I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. (Groucho Marx)
• Those are my principals, if you don’t like them….I have others.” (Groucho Marx)
• All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)
• A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. (Mark Twain)
• Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)
• There is only one immutable law in life – in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. (Hugh Leonard)
• Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish. (Mark Twain)
• In my youth there were words you couldn’t say in front of a girl; now you can’t say ‘girl.’ (Tom Lehrer)
• Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. (Mark Twain)
Car Stereo Ratings
We’ve all seen good and bad examples of car stereos. Now you have our new ranking system to best describe them. Even if you’re not into the car stereo ’scene’, you can still tell the difference between guys riding around with a try hard sound system and one that is flat out bodacious.
Our ranking system is based on star ratings from 5 stars being truly an awesome event which you will never forget, to 1 star, something bad enough you wish you could forget. In a way you may find it amusing but in the end they are in fact quite descriptive and you can use them with friends so they know exactly what you’re talking about when describing someone’s car stereo.
1 STAR – Desperation on Wheels
Wow that chick jogging past me has her earphones up loud – I can almost make out the song pla… Hold on a second, that isn’t her, that’s the shitty 80’s something hatchback parked across from me with some doofus driver that’s dressed like he’s out of a B rated version of Boyz N The Hood.
Characteristics: Those 4 full range factory speakers are being pushed way past their limit, crackling and popping more than a bowl of Rice Krispies. You could get better musical fidelity out of a megaphone at a track and field event. Look for the hanging pine air freshener and a heavily faded Garfield doll suction cupped to the back window.
2 STARS – Tincan Man
Hahaha, what’s that sound? Oh shit! Its right beside me! I could probably spit louder (and hopefully hit their car). Sounds like the car beside me has it up “pretty loud” (cough cough)… Maybe I should warn him about the possibility of hearing loss, he must be pushing, ohh, 85dB!!! Hahaha!
Characteristics: Usually a level up from a stock system, with a “power booster EQ” under the glove box. Full volume, you’re witnessing popping sounds and distortion like the music is being played through a sand pipe! Look for the KENWOOD sticker on the back window. Even better, look for an ALPINE sticker and then see if the car actually HAS any ALPINE gear in it hahaha.
3 STARS – The Juvenile Committee
What is that? Surely that’s not another car going by playing “Another Night” by Real McCoy? Shit, it is! An awful lot of crappy treble coming out of that car. Ahhh that’s because its got a row of… FOUR 6×9’s on the back shelf!?!?! As the car goes by you can see the LOUD light glowing on the tape deck. But that’s funny, there isn’t any bass… I could have sworn there was a bass line in that song? Why does that guy have his head hanging out the window looking for people to notice the car? I only did accidentally. Also notice the absurd collection of stuff hanging off the rear view mirror, how dire!
Characteristics: No bass, an abundance of treble, not a terrible amount of distortion but this is only because they got the volume one notch below total catastrophic melt down.
4 STARS – Rolling Disco
Someone’s out with their sound system turned up and windows down! But where? Ohhh, I heard it from that far? Geez, if my ears are in pain, what about that guy in the back seat scratching on the windows trying to get out! The power cable running from the battery to the amps is probably thicker than my leg!
Characteristics: Bass notes are pronounced and hard hitting, but aren’t knocking you over. Treble is reallllyyy loud which seems to be trying to make up for the muddy mids? Hmmmmm. Watch for the Knight Rider alarm light blinking back and forth on the dash!
5 STARS – The Earthquake Epicenter
WHAT is that sound? An earth quake? Horrendous storm? The arrival of God? You drop to your knees and pray in anticipation of God’s arrival, only to realize that the colossal amount of sound waves relentlessly pounding your body are in fact someone’s car! Oh my! Struggling to stand back up, you brush the dust off your knees, experiencing severe disorientation and an unsettling combination of nausea and being on the fringe of an orgasm. It is hard to tell how badly your ears are bleeding because your vision is so blurred from the bass lines. But the bits of ear drum in your hands are an indicator things aren’t good. Wonder if the guy in the car is human?
Characteristics: This car is a mandatory head turner that will have a special place in your heart for your remaining days alive. The car’s subwoofers give you a pressure sensation in your chest only equaled by the astounding levels of spine tingling treble. Basically a live concert for everyone within several city blocks.
University Courses For Men And Women
Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)
8. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche
9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combating The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
3. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
One Hundred Years Ago
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1917:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as “substandard.”
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
4. Heart disease
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn’t been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented.
There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn’t read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drug stores.
According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ….it staggers the mind.
I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Football program, often trying to abort Football with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented.”
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Ah well, back to DrinkingBuddies 1.0.
The idea is to score the most points. Your attempts need to be verified by another co-worker. See how many points you can score in one 8 hour shift.
One Point Gags:
• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• Ignore the first five people who say “Good Morning” to you.
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
• In the middle of a meeting, suddely shout out “Yahtzee!”
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• While riding the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three Point Gags:
• Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him/her with double-barreled fingers.
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that? I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five Point Gags:
• At the end of a meeting suggest that for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (2 extra points f you actually break into song) (5 extra points if you start singing another nation’s anthem).
• Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off and on 10 times.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to do “number two”.
• After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report is on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for an hour.
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
• At lunch time get down on your knees and announce “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am.: “See how I look in tights.”
• Carry your keyboard over to a colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
• While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
• Come into work wearing army fatigues and when asked why, say “I can’t talk about it.”
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• Hang a 2 foot piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised (or perfectly calm) when someone points it out.
• Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, say, “Not now,” and walk away.
Male Stages In Life
AGE – DRINK
17 – beer
25 – vodka
35 – scotch
48 – double scotch
66 – Maalox
AGE – SEDUCTION LINE
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.
AGE – FAVORITE SPORT
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping
AGE – DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”
AGE – FAVORITE FANTASY
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – ménage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE – FAVORITE HOUSE PET
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – German Shepherd
48 – children from her first marriage
66 – Barbie
AGE – WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17
More Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class
1. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
2. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
3. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
4. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
5. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
6. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”
7. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
8. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
9. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
10. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
11. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
12. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
13. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.
14. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
15. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.
16. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.
17. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.
18. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
19. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.
20. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.
21. Address students as “worm”.
22. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
23. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
24. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.
25. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!