Mary Poppins for Adults
Cocktail Party Ice-Breakers
10. Do you know where the restroom is? Those finger foods really did a number on me.
9. If you could murder just one person in this room, who would it be?
8. What was your first sexual experience like?
7. Have you ever sat on a washing machine during the spin cycle?
6. If you got permission from God to commit a sin what would it be?
5. When was the last time you did something kinky for the first time?
4. If a male-friend gave you a new car, what would you give him in return?
3. Getting back to the washing machine, after washing and drying your clothes do you wad or fold?
2. Do you prefer two-ply or four-ply?
1. What kind of mouthwash do you use?
Reasons To Crawl Under A Rock
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?”
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance.
He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store!
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I’d like playing with men’s balls.”
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.”
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
“DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
Excuses For Turning Down A Date
10. That sounds great. This will give me a chance to tell you about my thoughts on the Apocalypse. Say, did you know we are in the last days?
9. I would rather not ruin our friendship.
8. My therapist has advised me not to get involved with anyone during anger management sessions.
7. Sorry, can’t tonight. I’m watching the Martha Stewart Story on Lifetime channel.
6. My ex just got out of drug rehab and I want to be there for her. You know, in case she wants to give our love a second chance.
5. Sounds Okay. Can Bruce come with us?
4. Tonight’s no good. I’m having a wrinkle reduction, skin exfoliation, and micro derm abrasion on my face. I promised myself I wouldn’t cancel it this month.
3. Oh sorry, I need to take my dog in to be – uh – neutered.
2. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon is on tonight.
1. I was actually going to do a little Internet research on erectile dysfunction. Maybe after that
Serves Em Right
When I was younger I hated going to weddings… it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Ways To End It With Your Live-In Girlfriend
10. Ask her if your family can move in with you two just for a couple of months.
9. Constantly call her on her cell phone when you’re both home. When she answers it, jump up quickly and shout “you’ve just been punk’d!”
8. Lock your door every time you go through it and tell her the shadow people are following you.
7. Whenever she comes out of the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
6. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
5. Every night before you go to sleep, ask for total silence as you sharpen a dozen knives.
4. Tell her that one of her good friends called a few weeks ago and said that it was really important and that she call her back as soon as possible, but you can’t remember who it was.
3. Every morning when you wake up, listen to a few minutes of radio static.
2. Whenever her parents call and ask for her, breathe into the phone for 10 seconds then hang up.
1. Whenever you’re on the phone and she walks in, hang up immediately and say it was the wrong number.
Freshman Guide To Bra Removal
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
1) THE HOUDINI HUG — Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, “Ta-da!”
2) MCGYVER’S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE — An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON’S LAST RESORT — Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, explosives, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should NOT say the following:
1) “I really want to thank you for this.”
2) “Dang it! I thought they were bigger.”
3) “Do you have any cereal?”
10. Which version of the truth would you like to hear?
9. It is not premarital sex if you don’t plan on getting married.
8. Be consistent, but don’t do it all the time.
7. I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
6. I’m only superficial on the outside.
5. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
4. Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it.
3. Twenty-four hours in a day… 24 beers in a case… coincidence?
2. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade.
1. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for:
(Please initial all that apply)
_________ the remote control,
_________ a bowl of ice cream,
_________ a Kahlua on the rocks,
it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Just Move Already
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Over 50 Crowd
If you are 50, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3′s or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car… We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!
There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOODNESS !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!
And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!
See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980’s or any other time before that!
The Over 50 Crowd