If Teachers Were Honest
John Cleese’s Favorite Sketch: The Bookshop
Funny Song Titles
01. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
02. There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ for You.
03. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
04. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
05. I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
06. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
07. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
08. Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me with a Spade
09. If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?
10. Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
11. It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
12. I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
13. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft
14. I Wouldn’t Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
15. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out
16. Jesus Drop Kick Me Through The Goalposts Of Life
17. I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love
18. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
19. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
20. C’mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You’re Too Old to Ride the Range
Ok Now It Makes Sense
Do you know why we can get helicopters to fly on Mars but can’t get heat in Texas.
Because Mars is run by scientist and Texas is run by Republicans.
Rules To Remember
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Differences In Aviators
On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer (“Shooter”) who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy/Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.
Air Force Pilot
We’ve all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot’s thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.
If you’ve ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.
Equal Is Not The Same
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.”
Men and women are created equal, but boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.
You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you are driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are always messy.
Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. Then she will hit a boy with it. A baby boy will pick up a stick and start drumming.
5. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
6. If girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.
If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
7. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.
At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
8. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make sounds like a truck.
9. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the TV during a movie they have already seen.
10. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Handy Guide To Movie Ratings
G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he’s never sure which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.”
“Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’Lady.”
“Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?”
“If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?”
“Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?”
“My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent.”
“Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean.”
“Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?”
“Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!”
“Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?”
“Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question.”
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and crap like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.
That Awkward Moment
That awkward moment when you don’t know a person is a guy or a girl.
That awkward moment when your at a red light and you glance over at the people beside you and there already looking at you.
That awkward moment when someone random says “You two look good together” and the other person is your ex.
That awkward moment when you hang something up and it falls down… then you just stare at it.
That Awkward moment when your walking and you randomly trip over nothing then everyone stares at you and you just keep walking.
That horrible feeling when you walk into a spider web, freak out, and realize people you don’t know saw the whole thing
That awkward moment when someone yells at you for clicking your pen so you stop, but then realize that you have to click it once more so that you can use it.
That awkward moment when you see a 3rd grader with a better phone than you.
That moment when your looking for something. Then realize its in your hand and you’ve been holding it the whole time.
That awkward moment when you flip a driver off & the light turns red so you have to sit next to him for the next minute
That awkward moment when everyone else has stopped laughing, and you’re the only one who still thinks that it’s hilarious.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word. And it ruins the seriousness.
That moment when you’re arguing about something, and mid argument you realize you’re wrong but you keep arguing because you don’t want to seem stupid.
That awkward moment when the three members of a love triangle are in the same room.
Why Did You Shoot Him
A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.
He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was left with the revolver in her hand.
When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath:
“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click!