CINDERELLA vs BELLE: Princess Rap Battle
Carol Burnett Show – Bust Ups, Bloopers & Blunders
Woman & Cats
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? –Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. –Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. –Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. –Age 10
Home is where the house is. –Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. –Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks. –Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. –Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to hell and burn eternally –but I didn’t want to upset him. –Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. –Age 15
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
• You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.
• You’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.
• You bought a VCR to record Rasslin’ while you’re at work.
• Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
• You’ve ever stolen a bulldozer.
• All of your four-letter words are two syllables.
• You cut your toenails in front of company.
• You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
Lots Of Wit And Wisdom
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was – ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’
I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?”
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”
“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing, ‘This looks much better on.’ “On what? On fire?”
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here!’”
Things That Look Bad On A Resume
1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted…”
6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.
The History Of Meetings
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man’s job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
At last someone said, “Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!”
It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.
But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.
The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their “agenda”. At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, “Night of the Living Dead,” you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed, rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.
Man Explains Men to Women
This one is for those of you women who have long searched to understand the intricate workings of the opposite sex. I hope this explanation helps to clarify some “grey areas.”
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me to change the channel back because you think the commercials are over. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back. There was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something, it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
5) If you don’t like the way I am driving, close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do, it will be your fault.
6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8) Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
9) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
10) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
More One Liners Worth Passing On
• In two words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!
• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
• If you can’t be the tablecloth, don’t be the dishrag.
• I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life: 1) Never tell everything you know.
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
• Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.
• You’ll never be the man your mother was!
• Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
• Don’t hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.
• Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
• Don’t cook tonight — starve a rat today!
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Bud & Lou – Unemployment Explained
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 7.8%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that’s 14.7%.
COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.
ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 14.7%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 14.7% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 7.8%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?
ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment rolls that would count as less
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn’t want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.
COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an Economist.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like Congress.