Business Time – Flight Of The Conchords
Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings
1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not skateboard in the halls
3. I will not burp in class
4. I will not instigate revolution
5. I will not draw naked ladies in class
6. I did not see Elvis
7. I will not call my teacher ‘Hot Cakes’
8. Garlic gum is not funny
9. They are laughing at me, not with me
10. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
11. I will not encourage others to fly
12. I will not fake my way through life
13. Tar is not a plaything
14. I will not Xerox my butt
15. I will not trade pants with others
16. I will not do that thing with my tongue
17. I will not drive the principal’s car
18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
19. I will not sell school property
20. I will not cut corners
21. I will not get very far with this attitude
22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
23. I will not belch the National Anthem
24. I will not sell land in Florida
25. I will not grease the monkey bars
26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
27. I will not do anything bad ever again
A Different Mile High Club
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and before
long, they both realize they want the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, she sees it and beams with delight.
“Rear toilet?” he suggests. She agrees and goes off down the aisle. He waits two minutes, then goes to the back and slips in there with her.
“Right, but first, you put that condom on”, she says. He does that, and soon they are both siqhinq with pleasure.
But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realizes what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement on the PA system.
“To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we all know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector.”
And what were you thinking?
Shit My Students Write
Football is a great way to bond with people you have never boned before.
Two individual rights that are protected by the US Constitution an the French Declaration of the Rights of Man are that when men work hard, they get paid more, but if they don’t work hard, they get the same amount of money as the women.
Love is a powerful force that penetrates the deep sea of time. It allows the man to bond with the female corpse.
My girlfriend stimulated me adequately. So I felt upset and angry.
I firmly believe that the crucifixion is not something you can do to yourself simply because you do not have enough hands.
Just like the saying “monkey see, monkey do,” monkey says “I want to be a transvestite.”
Throughout the course of our history racism has been the cause of many pains and many losses. However, racism has also been the cause of many great successes.
All the women had to move to whorehouses because the soldiers at the front were tired and sick and needed relief. This is why they got the vote.
As normal he went out hunting the next morning but this time he finished his task quickly so that he could find out who was coming in and out of his wife.
Having tattoos is just like slavery but not as bad.
I believe that life begins at contraception.
This would sometimes happen to women because the women, in those days, were the stupid of the world nobody thought they were of any importance.
What about the women who gave birth to our fearless leaders such as Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, David Beckham and Posh?
First aid for contact with H2O: flush eyes with water, rinse skin with water, if ingested, get medical help.
Both women react differently to Dracula’s taint
As was seen in the Holocaust, Hitler’s ways were quite definitely extreme. They were taken too far. However, there is no question as to why many people may think Fascism is a perfectly good ideology.
The restaurant is built for romance whether it is to get in touch with the love of your life or to get in touch and love yourself for the night.
Hey, It Could Have Been A Lot Worse
Teacher. “Tell me the difference between a Call girl, a Girlfriend, and a Wife.”
The whole class was silent till ‘Little Johnny’ put up his hand and answered:
“Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited.”
Things We’ve Learned From “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
• Stay away from kids trying to hit a piñata.
• If you’re wearing a wedding dress, never try to ride a horse.
• An acronym doesn’t always have to contain a letter for each word in the thing for which it is an acronym.
• Grandpa’s pants are, in all likelihood, ill-fitting.
• Homemade bike ramps should only be used by, well, nobody.
• Babies sometimes fall asleep while sitting up.
• Many beams are lower than you’d think.
• If you touch a dog in a certain place, they bare their teeth and growl in an amusing way.
• People are sometimes startled when they’re woken up from a nap by loud noises.
• If you shoot enough video, somebody, somewhere is eventually going to make a basket from half-court.
• The tree you cut down is going to fall in a direction you didn’t expect.
• Before using a barbell, make sure the weights are secured on both sides.
• Kids getting hit in the face, not funny. Kids getting hit in the face on video, funny.
• Noses and parrots are natural enemies. Same goes for lizards.
• Children aren’t always respectful when it comes to not pulling off a relative’s toupee at a family gathering.
• Most swings have weight limits that are less than you’d suspect.
• Cats can be clumsy, especially when they’re around TVs.
• Many people think you’ll call your significant other the wrong name during the heat of passion, but we all know it will probably happen during your wedding ceremony.
• Baseballs like testicles.
• When it comes to backyard trampolines, “What goes up, must end up with a contusion.”
• Llamas spitting is not an urban myth.
• The walls of many above ground swimming pools appear to be made of a material similar to rice paper.
• The false teeth of many elderly people aren’t affixed properly.
• Birthday cakes and wobbly tables don’t mix. It should also be noted that birthday cakes have the inexplicable ability to attract the human face like a magnet.
• Pets don’t really talk, but sometimes it sounds like it.
• Nothing good can come from pogo sticks.
• Lifting someone over your head while dancing intoxicated could lead to an unfortunate, albeit humorous, accident.
• Many Christmas trees stands aren’t made to withstand the weight of the tree and a person.
• Everything, yes everything, is funnier when accompanied by a wacky sound effect.
• Any host of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” is likely to be the most bland, unfunny individual ever to appear on television.
Now That’s Just Funny
Picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I think he peed.
What Shakespeare Really Meant
William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you’d never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare’s quotes into modern day English. It’s about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let’s kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It’s OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you’re screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she’s really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you’re desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you’re telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You’ve never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
Raising My Son like
Son: Can I go see my Girlfriend?
Son: Why not?
Mother: Chores before whores.
Mother: Dishes before bitches.
Son: God, why are you like this?
Mother: Cutting grass before getting ass!
Why Dogs Are A Man’s Best Friend
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
• Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
• A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
• A dog’s parents never visit.
• Dogs do not hate their bodies.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
• Dogs seldom outlive you.
• Dogs can’t talk.
• Dogs enjoy petting in public.
• You never have to wait for a dog—they’re ready to go 24-hours a day.
• Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
• Dogs like to go hunting.
• Another man will seldom steal your dog.
• If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died would you get another dog?”
• If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
• If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
• A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
• A dog won’t hold out on you to get a new car.
• If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad, they just think it’s interesting.
• On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
• Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
• Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
• Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale’s or Neiman-Marcus.
• If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff.
Some Jobs Are Better Then Others
An Airbus 380 is on its way across Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800km/h in 30,000 ft. when suddenly a Eurofighter jet appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger
plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here” He rolls his jet on his back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to height, only to stoop down almost to sea level. He loops back next to Airbus and aks” Well, how was that?”
The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, at the same speed.
After 5 minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed ” Well, what are you saying now?”
The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?”
The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched by legs, went to back of the flight to bathroom, got a cup of coffee & a cinnamon cake.