Do You Suffer From Correctile Dysfunction?
‘I’m not as dumb as I look.’
‘No one could possibly be that dumb.’
‘You make it really difficult to underestimate you.’
‘You used to be a nice person.’
‘Well, at least I was once.’
‘The lord wasted a good asshole when he put teeth in that guy’s mouth.’
‘What the FUCK do you think you’re looking at!?’
‘I was just asking myself that, but if you don’t know, how the fuck am I supposed to?’
‘I told someone that they made a compelling argument for life after brain death.’
‘I think you’re an asshole!’
‘I don’t think of you at all.’
‘You look better without your glasses.’
‘You look better without my glasses too.’
‘You look like you know which color crayon tastes the best.’
‘I’m surprised your brain reminds you to breathe.’
‘You have the rest of your life to be an a-hole — why not take today off?’
‘I’ve crawled over better looking guys than you just to play with myself!’
‘I guess you think I’m just some douche.’
‘No, you’re not a douche. A douche can get me wet.’
‘The Jerk Store called — they’re runnin’ out of YOU.’
‘You’re the kind of girl who would wear a wedding dress to another woman’s wedding.’
‘How closely related are your parents?’
‘It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.’
‘Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.’
‘You’d be hot if you dressed like a girl.’
‘You’d be fuckable if you kept your mouth shut.’
‘Ugh smart chicks aren’t sexy at all.’
‘I feel the same way about stupid men.’
‘I’d call you a c*nt but you have neither the depth nor the warmth’
‘I can loose weight if I want to, you’ll always be a dick’
‘Their favorite color must be neon clear.’
‘You’re not pleasing god, you’re pleasing Satan.’
‘Well, you’re Satan to me and you don’t seem very pleased.’
‘I’m going to slap you so hard your grandchildren will inherit the bruises.’
‘I hope your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you.’
‘If you look up stupid in a dictionary there is a picture of you’
‘Well, my dictionary doesn’t have pictures.’
‘You’re such an asshole I bet your own kids never call you anymore!’
Teacher to student who refused to work: “You know, that’s fine, do nothing. None of this matters in the end. I just have one request – when I see you at McDonald’s behind the counter 10 years from now, don’t get my order wrong”.
Are You Scottish?
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.
Best WiFi Names Ever
‘Wedonthavewifi.’ Password was ‘idontknow.’
‘Mom, click here for internet’
‘It burns when IP’
‘Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi’
‘IsThisTheKrustyKrab’ Password was ‘nothisispatrick’
‘Tell My WiFi Love Her’
‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’
‘Silence of the LAN’
‘New England Clam Router’
‘Router dont even know her’
‘FBI Surveillance Van #2′
‘TV Detector Van’
‘It’s My Wifi’ Password ‘CryIfIWantTo’
‘I SIT 2P’
‘TingTang WallaWalla Bing Bang’
‘Some Ting Wong’
‘Attention! Virus Detected’
‘I can hear you having sex’
‘Top Secret 5G’
‘Two girls, one router’
‘TROJAN VIRUS EXE’
Attention All Frank’s
SON: What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?
ME: Well, that’s your uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why.
SON: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank-in-Stein?
ME: That SON OF A BITCH!!
Famous Stupid Quotes
All of these Famous Last Words are all real statements made by real people. Some of the statements seem so ridiculous that its hard to believe that they were actually said. Sometimes a persons ego is bigger than the reality they are trying to comprehend!
“Of all the wild, crackpot and idiotic schemes, this is the most foolish”
British Postmaster General Lord Lichfield, shown a new idea called a ‘ stamp ‘by Rowland Hill circa 1839
“We don’t like the sound, guitar groups are on the way out”
Decca PR man Mr. Dick Rowe on being offered a contract with the Beatles in 1962.
“The Olympic games can have no more a deficit than a man giving birth to a child”
Mayor of Montreal Jean Drapeau, the hosted the 1976 Olympics, it cost the city One Billion Dollars
“X-rays will be proven to be a hoax”
Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1893
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible”
Another classic by Lord Kelvin, said in 1895.
“Radio, pah! it has no future”
Yes him again!! said in 1904.
“I think that there may be a world market for possibly five computers”
Thomas Watson, Chief IBM executive, 1958
“So we decided to go to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing!, Even built it with some of your parts, what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, “No.”, So we then went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, “Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t even got through college yet”
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s Personal Computer.
“He will never amount to anything very much”
Munich High School report on Albert Einstein
“Ha Ha, Those cigarettes will never become popular”
Cigar makers E.G. Alton turning down a contract with John Player, 1890
“Ah that, yes, well, very interesting Whittle, but dear boy it will never work, so forget it”
Aeronautical engineering professor lecturing to jet engine designer and inventor Sir Frank Whittle, 1930.
“I’ve never felt better”
Douglas Fairbanks Sr, 1939, He died the very next second.
“The Bullet hasn’t been made that can kill me”
Jack `legs` Diamond, Gangster, shortly before being gunned down in 1931
“I do not believe that there will be a woman Prime Minister in my life time”
Education Minister Margaret Thatcher, 1973. Who became Prime Minister in 1979
“The notion that these iron coaches can replace cavalry is absurd”
One of Field Marshall Haig`s generals after inspecting tanks 1916
“No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris”
Orville Wright, shortly after he and his brother Wilbur accomplished the first manpowered flight.
“Submarines won’t do anything but suffocate its crew and flounder at sea”
H.G.Wells on being asked for his honest views on submarines in 1901
Best Way To Get Out Of A Ticket
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go.
When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, I just didn’t want him to get a ticket.
Sure hope my kids return the favor.
You May Not Know This But Many Inanimate Things Have A Gender
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald, and it’s often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go any where, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you? But consider this – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said he got sick that way with food he ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
You Have 8 Points
• You lose a point if you’re at home.
• You lose a point if you’re barefooted.
• You lose a point if your phone is in your right hand.
• You lose a point if you’re reading this in your mind.
• You lose a point if you’re hungry.
• You lose a point if you’re using mobile data.
• You lose a point if you’re laying down.
• You lose a point if you’re single.
How many points do you have left?
How Teacher Dad’s Deal When One Of Their Kids Is Their Student
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story.