Honest In-Flight Safety Video
Little Known Facts
(Believe them or not)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!) (I think we all know someone capable of doing this)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don’t try this at home;maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home . What the…?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can’t believe that pig. (quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Yesterday I was at my local Wall-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Sure Signs That Your Life Stinks
1. You discover that your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
2. Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
3. The only modeling jobs you’re able to land are for cartoonists.
4. Your child’s school calls to surrender.
5. The candles on your birthday cake set off the smoke alarm.
6. The bride’s family throws stones instead of rice.
7. Your plants do much better when you ‘don’t’ talk to them.
8. Upon closer inspection, you realize your engagement ring is made of plastic.
9. A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
The Birds And The Bees
Ten year old Tommy’s father asked him if he knew about the birds and the bees.
Tommy burst into tears and shrieked, “No, I don’t want to know!”
Confused by his reaction, his dad asked him what was wrong.
“Oh, Dad,” Tommy sobbed, “When I was six, you gave me the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. When I turned seven you gave me the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech, and when I got to be eight it was the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. Now that I’m ten, if you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really have s ex, then there’s nothing left for me to live for!”
Perks Of Being Over 65
1: Your eyes won’t get much worse.
2: There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
3: Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
4: In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
5: People no longer think of you as a hypochondriac.
6: No one expects you to run anywhere.
7: Your joints are more accurate than the national weather service.
8: Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
9: Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
10: You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Is Editing A Lost Art?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those burritos!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
I hear they taste like chicken
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Things You Never Want To Hear During Surgery
• Wow, that’s really cool! Now you can make his leg twitch!?!
• We’d better save that. We’re going to need it for the autopsy.
• Hold on a minute, if this is his spleen, then what the heck is that?
• Darn, there go the lights again.
• Someone call the janitor, please. Looks like we’re going to need a mop.
• Stand back everyone. I’ve lost my contact lens!
• Well, folks, this is going to be an experiment for all of us.
• Can anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• Sure wish I had remembered my glasses.
• Would you please stop that thing from beating! It’s throwing my concentration way off!
• Nurse, has this patient signed the organ donor card?
• Stop worrying. I think it’s sharp enough.
• Darn! Page 57 is missing from the manual!
• Everyone take cover!! She’s going to blow!
• Fire! Fire! Everyone get out!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘Texas A & M!’
And they say blondes are dumb….
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——-
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.
———— ——— ——-
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower….
‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
———— ——— ———
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
——— ——— ——— —-
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll beat him to death.
—– ——— ——— ———
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——-
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
———— ——— ——— ——— ——
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———— ——— ——— ——— —
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
———— ——— ——— ——— —-
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
———— ——— ——— ——— ——-
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world . . . then He made the earth round.
Famous Quotes From Women
• I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
• I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
• I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
• This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
• I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
• Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
• I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
• I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
• I think – therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
• Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
• If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
• Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem
• Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
• I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…
ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Because the chicken was GAY! Can’t you people see the plain truth?! That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side’. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
I have just released eChicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash…#@&&^(C% ………reboot.
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
I invented the chicken!
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Where’s my gun?
Did I miss one?