Friday Fun Stuff – 10-6-23

The Women Of LA

PG13 Song about the women in LA…unfortunately it’s mostly true.

Funniest Elevator Pranks

Cool Signs

• The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth
• Dear taco trucks, please consider cruising the neighborhoods like ice cream trucks
• My favorite way to online shop? I just yell out what I want & wait for an ad to pop up
• Did it bother anyone else that the guy from the operation game was clearly awake
• The 1st person to hear a parrot speak was probably not ok for several days
• Pretty wild that were used to eating cake after someone has blown on it
• Ran out of coffee this morning, so I used tequila. Everyone is so pretty today!
• I’m currently experiencing life at several WTF’s per hour
• Boobytrap spelled backwards is partyboob
• Sorry I’m late! I got here as soon as I wanted to
• I never realize how much I swear until I’m in a situation where I can’t
• Dr: You need to listen to body more
My body: Your old and u want queso
• My personal style is best described as “Didn’t expect to get out of the car”
• Not yet, not yet, not yet, eat me now!!!! Too late – avocados
• What if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be cool
• Netflix needs an “Easy to watch while on my phone the whole time” category
• Shit, forgot to get to the gym today! Makes 8 years in a row now
• Drinking coffee the morning helps others live longer
• I need a leaf blower, but for people
• I used be a crastinator. But then I decided to go pro
• If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it!!!

A Heartwarming Story

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said “fuck you”.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

Assigning Employees To Departments

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting or Sales.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are jittery and crazed from 2 hours without an internet connection, Computer Information Systems is their home.

If the room has a sweaty odor, put them in Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send them to Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Kids Are Truthfully Cruel

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”

I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”

“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

Google Products We’ll Never See

1. Google Hitman Assistant – Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.
2. Googlearchy – Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.
3. Google Smite – An extension of Google Earth; uses laser beams attached to satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.
4. Google Carnage – Use real-time satellite images to zoom in and see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.
5. Google Ogle – The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.
6. Googlebator – Google’s first attempt at hardware; to be used in conjunction with Google Ogle
7. Google Alibi – Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.
8. Google Telegraph – Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash
9. Google Gaggle – The only search engine for geese.
10. Google Invading Force – Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google’s new troop management tool.
11. Gogoel – Search tool for dyslexics.

Mark Twain Has A Few Choice Words For France

Around the turn of the century, when the United States was still establishing its equality with many European nations, a noted Frenchman remarked that any time an American had nothing to do he could amuse himself by trying to find out who his grandfather was.

Naturally, Americans did not like this suggestion that they were a people of no descent, and there was very nearly an international incident when Mark Twain remarked, “And whenever a Frenchman has nothing to do, he can amuse himself endlessly by trying to find out who his father was.”

More Fun Things to Do in a Final That Does Not Matter

1. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
2. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
3. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, and be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
4. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
5. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
6. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
7. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
8. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.
9. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
10. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
11. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
12. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
13. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
14. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
15. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
16. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

There Goes The Diet

A man decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. Everyone scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special coffeecake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.’

“And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

Nerdy One Liners

1. Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.
2. Failure is not an option – it comes bundled with Windows.
3. Computer games don’t affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
4. Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.
5. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
6. Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity.
7. To err is human… to really foul up requires the root password.
8. Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
9. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
10. Crap… Someone knocked over my recycle bin… There’s icons all over my desktop…”
11. Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS !
12. I don’t care if you ARE getting a PhD in it ! Get away from that damn computer and go find a woman !
13. The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.
14. I can’t uninstall it, there seems to be some kind of ‘Uninstall Shield’.
15. See daddy ? All the keys are in alphabetical order now.
16. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
17. SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.
18. Yo mamma is like HTML: Tiny head, huge body.
19. Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.
20. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
21. The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.
22. If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.
23. Unix is user-friendly. It’s just very selective about who its friends are.
24. Microsoft: “You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips.
25. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly

Three Cowboys Around A Campfire

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

But It’s Shorter In The Back