Friday Fun Stuff – 10-18-24

Cocktail Party With Hugh Hefner – Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In

Please remember this was late 1960′s early 1970′s


For Those Who Are Born To Create Drama


21 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”

10. Meow occasionally.

11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

12. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

16. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

17. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

21. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.


Abe Lincoln

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States….”


Middle Age Is Just Walking Around All Day Muttering Things Like:

“What was I going to say?”
“Why did I come in here?”
“Did I already take my pill?”
“How did I get this bruise?”
“Why am I sore?”
“Where did I leave my phone?”


Illusion Or Delusion?

An 80 yr old man is having his annual check up, the Dr. asks him how he’s feeling.

“I’ve never been better! He replies. I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?

The Dr. considers this for a moment, then says “well, let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry & he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he’s in the woods & suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him.”

“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” replies the 80 yr old.

“Exactly!”


The Wit and the Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

*”Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”

*”Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

*”You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”

*”Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

*”If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

*”To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”

*”I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’”

*”I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, ‘cover for me.’ Number two, ‘oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘it was like that when I got here.’”

*”Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”

*”Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’”

*”Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”

*”Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”

*”Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

*”Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”

*”Television – teacher, mother, secret lover!”

*”Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.’”


Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead at 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife, they have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 2:25 for 20 minutes.


Voice Mail Suggestions

“We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we’ll get back to, pending credit approval.”

“You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.”

(Imitating Mr. Rogers)
“Hello. I’m in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can’t come to the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure…I knew you could.”

Steve: “Hello. Steve and Matt aren’t here right now but if…”
Matt: “Steve, what are you doing?”
Steve: “I’m leaving a phone message since we aren’t here.”
Matt: “But you left the last one — it’s my turn.”
Steve: “No, I’m sure it’s my turn.”
Matt: “No, you’re incorrect. It’s definitely my turn.”
Steve: “You fool. I know it’s…wait…Matt…what are you doing with that frying pan?!?”
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: “Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.”

“This is (insert name, phone, and, address). We are not…excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I’ll have to get back to you later.”

“Finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does……”

(Mission Impossible music in background)
“Good day, Jim. Your contact, (insert your name), is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.”

(Insert your name) is reassembling Elvis’ brain and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name …”

(Insert your name) has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.”

A friend was at a mutual friend’s sister’s house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, “HI, THIS IS KATHY, I’M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I’LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I’M FEELING
BETTER.”

I worked for a bit in the coastguard and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with:
“Epicenter of the Universe, G-d speaking.”
“Hartland home for lost whores.”
“Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?”
“Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute and counting”


Put On Your Seatbelt…

You know you’re in trouble when your friend says:

“Put on your seatbelt… I wanna try something.”


The Chili Cook-off

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

* Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

* Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

* Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

* Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled … it’s kinda cute.

* Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

* Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

* Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

* Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Momma??!!


The Death Notice

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered then a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”


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That's You Dumb Ass!
 
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I Just Found The Perfict Meds For You
 
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Don't Mess With Me
 
Even Bart Never Did That
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You Have To Make Some Rules
 
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Love It All Your Want, But Know The Results
 
How To Get Fired With Attitude!
How To Get Fired With Attude!
 
WICKED!!!
WICKED!!!

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