Laurel and Hardy – The Battle of the Century (1927) – The Pie Fight
How Stupid Are They…
1. If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock.
2. If ignorance were bliss, she’d be orgasmic.
3. If it’s not in her horoscope, she doesn’t take it seriously.
4. If stupidity were a crime, he’d be number one on the Most Wanted list.
5. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he’d get nuked.
6. If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
7. If you called him a wit, you’d be half right.
8. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
9. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
10. Ignorant, and proud of it.
11. Immune from any serious head injury.
12. In serious need of attitude adjustment.
13. In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
14. Includes a “thank you” note with her tax returns.
15. Informationally deprived.
16. Inhabits her own private time zone.
17. Inspected by #13.
18. Inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
19. Intellectually challenged.
20. Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
Even More Voice Mail Message Ideas
“This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”
“I’m writing the definitive work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.”
Spoken by two voice synthesizers
1. “Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.”
2. “Yeah, nobody but us machines!”
1. “Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…”
2. “…and a message! You forgot about the message!”
1. “Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.”
2. “…unless of course, somebody pulls out our plug!”
I taped the operator saying “we’re sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service…”
From Halloween this year (Ominous electronic background music.)
“Hi, this is (Insert your number here). In honor of Halloween, I’m about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you’re a virgin, in which case, why don’t you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII…”
“Hi, this is (Insert your number here). Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone…”
“Hi, this is (Insert your number here). Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an “I love (Insert your number here)” T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.”
“You have reached the CPX2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation; however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.” (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my d!ck’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Don’t mess with seniors, they have all day to figure out how to get back at you!
Words To Live By
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to re ad the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ - Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness… But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. – Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty…But by then everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. – Unknown
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try to guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women to the house and sits them down in the living room where they all chat for a while.
Then he takes his mother into the kitchen and says,
“Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The redhead in the middle.”
“That’s amazing, Ma! You’re right. How did you know?”
“I don’t like her.”
Great Jokes With Out Swear Words
So what’s the point?
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
Why do divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. While typing in her address, he accidentally typed an extra letter and without realizing, sent the email to a widow who just returned from her husband’s funeral.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from friends and relatives. After reading the first email she fainted.
Her son rushed in to check on his mother and saw the computer screen with the message:
“To my loving wife. I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here and we are allowed to email our loved ones. I’ve just been checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice, but I feel lonely without you. I have made necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. I am excited and can’t wait to see you.”
Q & A From Your Favorite Doctor
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats and that’s it…don’t waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetables.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food is fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming were good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
So Much For True Love
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,’ and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and ’7′ inches in your pants’.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back….