Honest New Year’s
Day After Christmas Poem
It’s the Day After Christmas, When All Through Your House,
Those Brown Monkey Socks and That Way-Too Big Blouse,
Need to Go Back to the Store Right Away,
So No One Will See You Dressed That-A-Way!
I Mean Who in Their Right Mind Would Give Such a Thing
As a Bright-Orange Tie or a Plastic Mood Ring,
So it’s Off to the Store You Head With a Dash
Wondering Aloud Why You Didn’t Get Cash.
The Approach Of Winter
Dec. 8 5:00 p.m. – It’s starting to snow, the first of the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.
Dec. 9 – We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.
Dec. 12 – The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll get a little more before this lovely winter is over.
Dec. 14 – It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his trick again.
Dec. 15 – Sold our car and bought a 4×4 Blazer so we could get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.
Dec. 18 – Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The damn sky is getting dark again.
Dec. 19 – Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife’s car. Probably a $1,000.00 damage or so. She’s pissed-off.
Dec. 20 – Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned snowplow came by twice.
Dec. 22 – We are assured of a white Christmas because another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this freezing weather it won’t melt till August! Got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc…) then got the urge to pee.
Dec 24 – If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street 100 miles an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.
Dec. 25 – MERRY CHRISTMAS… they predict 12 more inches of the f@#king white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with Santa, he doesn’t have to shovel that white sh!t. The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him with my ice axe.
Dec. 28 – We got 11 more inches. I must be going snow blind or have a severe case of depression.
Dec. 29 – The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave-in. If you go outside, don’t eat the brown snow.
Dec. 30 – I torched the damned house … moving back to California!
British Letters To The Management
And you thought only Americans ruined the queens English
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage…I.H.
The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof…D.G.
This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door…B.H.
The toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand?…A.H.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the Kitchen…F.T.
Our toilet seat is broken in half into 3 pieces…S.H.
I want some repairs doing to our cooker, it has backfired and burnt my knob off…A.T.
The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared…J.W.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous…(Is he a HAM?)…J.T.
Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and now she is pregnant…R.T.
Would you please repair our toilet; my son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head…I.K.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It’s a funny color and not fit to drink…J.F.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC 2…J.E.
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.
Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”
The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”
The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”.
Top Text Messages
The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
Born Free… Taxed to Death.
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.
Can’t Someone Just Tell Me Yes?
1. None of my socks match.
2. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
3. I’m having all my plants neutered.
4. People are blaming me for the Spanish American War.
5. I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
6. I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”
7. I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
8. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
9. I’m touring China with a wok band.
10. My chocolate appreciation class meets that night.
11. I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
12. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
13. I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
14. I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down.
15. I’m too old/young for that stuff.
16. I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
17. I have too much guilt.
18. There are important world issues that need worrying about.
19. I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship.
20. I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
21. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
22. I feel a song coming on.
23. I’m trying to be less popular.
24. My bathroom tiles need grouting.
25. I have to bleach my hare.
And you thought your finals were tough
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
1) POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
5) GENERALK NOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.
Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following: that love is happiness, that the universe is infinite, that there is not a little man in the refrigerator that turns out the light when the door is closed, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all work.
8) COMPUTER SCIENCE
Define computer. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, use each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
9) AGRICULTURAL SCIENCE
Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with worldwide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
10) READING COMPREHENSION
Three minute time test: Read everything before doing anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this exam. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write “yes, yes, yes.” Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703×668. Loudly call your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out “I have.” Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far, call out “I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following directions.” On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.
* *EXTRA CREDIT* *
Define the universe; give three examples.
Write today’s date in Metric.
Very Old One Liners
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $3.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect …… you’re in a wheel chair.
Did Our Government Pay For This Research?
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
You Should Really Change The Messages On Your Voice Mail
“Hi! (insert your name here)’s voice mail is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”
“Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not. . . er. . . bear a. . . er. . . shalt not witness thy. . . uh. . . neighbor’s ass, oh, I mean, false. . . er. . . shalt not commit a bear. . . darn.”
“I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.”
“After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.”
“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”
“This is a test. This is a test of the Voice mail Broadcast System. This is only a test.”
“Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.”
“Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange…mother…unicorn… aardvark. I’ll get back to you with my diagnose is as soon as possible.”
[VOICE 1] “Answer the phone, please, Hal.”
[VOICE 2] ”I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.”
“Hello? This is *NOT* an voice mail; it is a long distance thought-analysis system. Right now, you are thinking ‘I wonder who (insert your name here) seeing at the moment?”; Well, if you leave a message maybe they will call and tell you when they get back. And, oh, yes if you are the plumber, Thursday will be just fine, say 10:30?”
“At the tone, the time will be 11 hours 59 minutes and 50 seconds
(Taped from Star Trek, Lieut. Uhura’s voice) “Captain; I have a message coming in on channel three, the hailing frequency…It’s very faint, Sir, I can hardly make it out.”
“Hello caller on line 3; you’re on-air now; can you tell us what are your views on the rigorously existentialist, Sartrian discussion we have heard so far?”
“Hello; this is the New York Fire Department; we’ve all gone to a movie. If you have a fire, we suggest that you try throwing water on it until we get back and can do something for you. Oh, and please remember to hang up your receiver after this call – we may want to call you back to confirm the location of the fire.”