Everyone Is An Asshole
Annoying Things To Do At A Synagogue
1. Yell out “line” when reading from the Torah
2. Use your neighbor’s kippah as a Frisbee
3. Take up a collection plate
4. Take bets on when the ever-lasting light will burn out
5. Shout out “Praise Jesus!” after every prayer
6. Wear sandals and a robe and call everyone “my son”
7. Print out spark notes on the Torah and hand them out
8. Sing the words loud and off-tune
9. Bring popcorn and keep saying “I heard that religion got a good review”
10. Give a standing ovation at the end
11. Ask people if it’s Easter
12. Hand out Gideon Bibles
13. Ask people if they like Mel Gibson movies
14. Tell all the young kids that Adam Sandler isn’t Jewish
Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, “Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
· No Radio…Already Stolen
· Cover me: I’m changing lanes
· Me… You… Dinner… Motel…
· CAUTION: I Brake For No Apparent Reason
· Big Deal!…My kid knocked up your honors student
· Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
· Never mind the damn whales. Save the people!
· Remember you’re unique, just like everyone else
· I’m out of bed & dressed. What more do you want?
· Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
· As long as schools have tests, there will be prayer school
· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
· Your kid may be an honors student but you’re an IDIOT!
· If we’re not to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
· Forget about Karma…Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
· Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs
· Learn from your parents’ mistakes…use birth control
· I’m not as think as you drunk I am
· Sorry, there Slick. I don’t date outside my species
· Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges
25 Irrefutable Cat Laws
“Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.”
Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about little puppies
– Gene Hill
In dog years I’m dead
Dogs feel strongly they should always go with you in the car, in case the need arises for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear
– Dave Barry
I wonder what goes through a dog’s mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl
– Penny Ward Moser
The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage
– Danish Proverb
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read
– Groucho Marx
As far as dogs are concerned, the scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch
– Michael Friedman
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs
– Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down
– Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in… I think that is how dogs spend their lives
– Sue Murphy
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog
I loathe people who keep dogs — they are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves
– August Strindberg
No dog should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation
– Fran Lebowitz
Dogs must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth… we come back from the store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow
– Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult
– Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can; that’s almost $7.00 in dog money
– Joe Weinstein
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
– Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
– Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him
– Dereke Bruce
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face
– Ben Williams
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem
– Edward Abbey
Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself
– Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
– Andrew A. Rooney
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in
– Mark Twain
I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it
– Abraham Lincoln
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
– Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane
I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts
– John Steinbeck
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives
– Rita Rudner
What The Job Ad Says And What It Really Means
Work processing skills essential
There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Salary range $24,000- $32,000
The salary is $24,000
This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women and minorities encouraged
White males need not waste the stamp to apply
Top-notch communications skills
We’ll take the lowest bidder
Really a crappy job
No experience necessary
The mother of all crap jobs
Crap job with a title.
Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.
Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.
B.A. required, master’s preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.’s salary
Outstanding benefits package:
Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.
Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.
The most powerful position in the company
You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.
We’ll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.
We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.
Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.
A staff of pod people.
Zombie pod people.
Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.
Zombie pod people from hell.
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.
If I want it, it’s mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a “tittle”
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. (This is frightening).
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time …hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Useful info).
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society … not.)
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples! (Guess what I’m buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.
- General Joao Baptista Figueiredo, president – Brazil, 1979
Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.
- David Thompson, Denver Nuggets player
I’m not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.
- rock star Simon LeBon of Duran Duran
Send all the details. Never mind the facts.
- telegram from the editor of the old New York World to his Washington correspondent
That is true — but not absolutely true.
- Montreal mayor Jean Drapeau
I have not reneged on my promise. I have changed my mind.
- New York gubernatorial candidate Pierre Rinfret
We are launching this innovation for the first time.
- New York City Mayor Jimmy Walker
It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that.
- Lou Duva, on the upcoming fight of his protégé against boxer Mike Tyson
If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.
- singer Cyndi Lauper, during an MTV interview
That picture was taken out of context.
- Jeff Innis, NY Mets pitcher, on a bad picture taken of him
I don’t like to look back in retrospect.
- Vince Ferragamo, Los Angeles Rams quarterback
Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil…
- directions given on television’s “The French Chef”
Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?
- hockey player Phil Watson to reporters
And Helena got six inches during the night… Helena, Montana, that is!
- weatherperson on KHAR-TV, Alaska
Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.
- sign displayed in a Japanese Hotel
I have lied in good faith.
- Bernard Tapie, French politician
The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies.
Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.
- instructions posted in a river cruise ship; Suir River, Ireland
I feel like the oldest ovary-producing person in America.
- actress Susan Sarandon, mother of three children
You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing, it’s air support.
- U.S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attaché in Cambodia
You can’t just let nature run wild.
- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska
Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
- CIA memo, introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS libel suit
I really didn’t say everything I said.
- Yogi Berra
Now ride off in all directions.
- Michael Curtiz, directing actor Gary Cooper on a horse
I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised.
- letter from Marion Barry Jr., mayor of Washington, D.C.
Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
- Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster
Lillian’s greatest strength is her strength.
- David Coleman, BBC sportscaster
Ladies and gentleman, and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you.
- announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody
I was not aware that making up a story and lying to the police is against the law.
- Goran Rasmussen, Swedish tourist in Thailand
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
CONSIDER EXACTLY WHAT YOU MIGHT DO, IF YOU’RE UNDERGOING SURGERY, AND YA KINDA HALF WAKE-UP AND HEAR:
· Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy
· Someone call the janitor — we’re going to need a mop
· Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
· Bo! Bo! Come back with that… Bad Dog!!!
· Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
· Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie
· Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
· Damn, there go the lights again…
· Ya know, damn good thing this guy’s got two kidneys
· Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!!!
· Could you stop that thing from bleeding so damn much. I can’t see a thing
· I just can’t seem to concentrate today
· What’s this doing way over here?
· Don’t ya just hate it when they’re missing stuff in here???
· Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
· I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses
· Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us
· Sterile, schmerill. The floor’s clean, right?
· What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
· Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
· And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape
· OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature
· This patient already had some kids, am I correct?
· Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
· Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough
· It’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
· FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out, quickly!
· Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!