Things Teachers Never Say (But Wish They Could)
10 Ways To Know If You Have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving – call 1-800-***-****.”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on baby,
Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
“Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb…..but all men…are men!
Red Neck Country Tunes
1. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
5. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
6. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
8. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
9. I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
10. If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
11. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
12. Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
13. She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
Major Auction Benefit in Washington
Christie’s and Sotheby’s just announced their joint sponsorship of a new and important auction to take place in the US Senate Congress on Memorial Day, in which ALL US SENATORS WILL BE AUCTIONED OFF to the highest bidder to further public transparency of Senatorial allegiances, following the outcry caused by the recent Senate rejection of every single gun control measure before it.
The audience is expected to include several thousand lobbyists representing the oil, gas and coal sectors, insurance, healthcare providers, gun manufacturers, large farmers, weapons industries, banks and other G Street occupiers. Bidders will be allowed to form “syndicates”, similar to those made famous by the Maffia, which will enable them to purchase “portions” of each Senator, representing their particular interests. The successful bidders will place their winning bid into a “Senatorial Trust Fund”, to be used for reelection by the designated recipient.
This scheme was resoundingly endorsed by the Senate by a vote of 99 for, and 1 against, (Bernard Sanders voted against, but no one listens to him anyway).
Critics are saying this new initiative is nothing but a Ponzi scheme since it is well known that every single US politician is already sold out many times over.
Differences Between Men & Women
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s.” It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
COMEDY: Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS: A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women’s Restrooms always have long lines.
GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men abuse cats (that’s just an expression honey I would never abuse our cats).
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, a bald man’s head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Men Are So Simple That You Only Get 1
Dating a girl who wears glasses is like taking 2 girls when she takes them off.
Wash off her makeup and your dating 3 girls.
Remove her Instagram filter and you get to date 4 girls.
Take her meds away and you could have up to 10.
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED – We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM – We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION – We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH – It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED – We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE – The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING – We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED – The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS – It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT – Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL – Let’s spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING – We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION – I can’t wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET’S DISCUSS – Come into my office, I’m lonely.
15. ALL NEW – Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED – Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT – Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING – Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE – Impossible to fix if broken.
The Perfect Husband
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon”.
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live.”
Top Signs You Picked The Wrong Internet Service Provider
1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.”
5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence.
6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?”
7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”
8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.”
9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
10. They charge by the word.
What Would You Do?
A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man.
“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”
“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”