Can You Give Me A Hand?
Top 10 Signs You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter “where” you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you’re being stalked by Martha Stewart is . . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
Fake Lie Detector
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
A Matter Of Interpretation
When I take a long time — I am slow
When my boss takes a long time — He is thorough
When I didn’t get it done — I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t get it done — He’s too busy
When I do something w/o being told — I am trying to be a smart ass
When my boss does the same — That is initiative
When I please my boss — I’m ass-kissing
When my boss pleases his boss — He’s a team player
When I do good — My boss never remembers
When I do wrong — He never forgets
Strange But True Deaths
Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths. We are not vouching for their authenticity – only their humor.
JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK ——————– In 1983 a fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him.
ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS ——————— Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.
TAKE NOVOCAINE ————— Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE ————————– George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
POOR SUCKER ————– Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
CHECK THE PULSE FIRST ———————– In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
FRAUD DOESN’T PAY ——————- A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises.
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litter box.
(she likes her privacy).
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time.
(thou has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
How to Solve a Problem
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution.”
The engineer said, “No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer said, “I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
Laws For Women To Live By
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man . . . unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon-they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander-it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same-they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
14. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Will I Live To See 100?
Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned “seventy-ish”).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
‘Do you think I’ll live to be 100?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?’
‘No,’ I said…
He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’
Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road – Explained
Why did the chicken cross the road? Here are some opinions…
Darwin: ——- Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Freud: ——- The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Machiavelli: ————- The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Albert Camus: ————— It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him.
Oliver Stone: ————– The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but is rather “Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Bill Clinton: ————– It wasn’t me. I wasn’t chasing the chicken. There was no inappropriate relationship between me and the chicken.
Newt Gingrich ————– Because the Chicken was kicked out of the coop.
Jerry Seinfeld: ————– Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?”
Immanuel Kant: ————– The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
George Orwell: ———— Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Karl Marx: ————– It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche: ———— Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Jean-Paul Sartre: —————— In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: —————– Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: ——- If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: ——————— It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: —————– To die. In the rain.
Bill Gates: ———– I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads, balance your checkbook, and solve all your chicken needs.
Colonel Sanders of KFC: ———————— I missed one?