Friday Fun Stuff – 12-29-23

Mom’s Realistic Resolutions

The Best Of Mae West

Happy New Year To All My Friends!

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

Last year on New Years Eve, I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.

New Year’s Day is the accepted time to make your annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old one leaves.

The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution and I’ll try not to laugh as I did last year.

Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’

May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the New Year.

A Warning To All The Drivers Now, Close To New Year’s Eve…

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year’s Eve and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

New Years Quotes

• “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” — George Eliot
• “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” — Bill Vaughan
• “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” — Charlie Brown
• “New Year’s Day — now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” — Billy Crystal
• “’Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.” — Andy Borowitz
• “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” — Oscar Wilde
• “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.” — Aleister Crowley
• “This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.” — Melanie White
• “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.” — David Bowie
• “I would quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” — Unknown
• “May this New Year bring you more problems, more tears, and more pains. Don’t get me wrong. I just want you to be a stronger person.” — Unknown
• “The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution and I’ll try not to laugh as I did in the last year.” — Unknown

An Ode To The Fart

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

Resolutions For Pets

10. Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the butts.
7. Funny Gerbil: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat, or they’ll flush me!
6. Bite that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow extra thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is enough.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. Find out if the garbage collector is stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it leave the human’s hand.

Take A While Guess

Traveling salesman walks up the driveway and knocks on the door.

After a while the door opens and a little boy, about 9, stands with a glass of whisky in one hand and a cigar in the other.

salesman says “Oh, hi. is you mummy or daddy home?”

Little boy looks at his whisky and his cigar and says, “Does it look like it?”

New Years Eve One Liners

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
• New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions
• If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
• I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard….again
• I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they’d get a Bloody Mary.
• Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and January 25th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you.
• Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
• My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
• I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
• My New Years resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.
• I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

What Do you Want To Eat?

You know why women can never answer the question “what do you want to eat?”
Because if they actually answered it honestly, it would sound like this…

I want the fries from McDonald’s, butter and rolls from Texas road house, fried pickles from hooters, cheese bites from twin peaks, one slice of pizza from a pizza hut stuffed crust pizza, three bites of a steak from outback, chicken tortilla soup from mi cocinas (plus one of their mambo taxis), breakfast chicken minis from chick-fil-a, and lava cake from cheddars.

All that can’t be processed in a way that doesn’t sound insane, so it verbally comes out as “l don’t know, you pick”.

Words Women Use

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so its an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with Fine.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means I give up or do what you want because I don’t care. You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. Soft Sighs mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. That’s Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That’s Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a That’s Okay.

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

Damn Beavers

Natural Resource and EPA, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, State of Michigan

Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.

(This is the State’s Letter!)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

The Cat’s Still Hiding In The Tree