Gangsta Shop Quartet – Mad TV
How To Deal With Internet Trolls
Friday The 13th
I hate Friday the 13th, might as well call it “Don’t wear a hockey mask & walk around w/a machete day.” At least that’s what I told the cop.
Woke up my girlfriend to celebrate Friday the 13th wearing a hockey mask and playing the movie’s theme song in her ear. I’m single now.
Renting a cabin in the woods with 3 girls Friday the 13th.
Reading a book and wrapping my chest because the smart, flat, one usually lives
Friday the 13th was invented by racist white cats.
Friday the 13th Part XXX: Jason starts babysitting to pick up some extra cash for a new mask
Friday the 13th is nowhere near as frightening of the 1st of next month when the rent is due.
Why would I stress over Friday the 13th when I’ve had bad luck my entire life?
February the 13th is the Black Friday of online dating
Yo Mama So Canadian she loves Friday the 13th because it’s an excuse to wear her hockey mask.
Friday the 13th is just a dumb superstition. At least that’s what my horoscope said.
When you live by Murphy’s Law, Friday the 13th is just another day.
Avoid bad luck on Friday the 13th by not being a superstitious idiot.
Thursday the 13th is only bad luck in Australia. Where it’s already Friday.
I don’t believe in Friday the 13th. That’s why I didn’t go to work today.
Its Friday the 13th and my cat is looking out the window…..plotting
I tried telling my boss I can’t work today on account its Friday the 13th & generally speaking I might kill everyone. But he’s not buying it.
So it’s Friday the 13th and I have a black cat….. This can’t end well.
Today is the superstitious day of ‘Friday the 13th’
I just read that today generates more hockey mask sales than actual hockey.
Friday The 13th Dating Tips…
Remember, your relationship can last as long you can keep the body frozen
You never know when you are going to get lucky. SO… always bring a condom AND a chainsaw
Wear his and her hockey masks
DO NOT expect to get lucky.
How bad can Friday the 13th be? It’s Friday!!!
A 6 Foot Penguin
A man races inside a bar, panicking, sweating and downright worried. He turns to all the patrons and starts yelling:
“Does anyone own a 6 foot penguin!?” “does anyone own a 6 foot penguin!?”
Slowly all the patrons shake their head, all thinking he had just come from another bar.
The guy lowers his head, and as he walks out of the bar, he whispers to himself ….
”Fuck, I hit a nun”
How To Be Politically Correct With Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK – she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED – she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED – she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT – she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB – she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY – she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING – she is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID – she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU – she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
Both Pills Do The Same Thing
The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection.
I’ll never forget the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
The Language Of Men
Men are complicated
*Up Nod* – “What’s up”
*Down Nod* – “You have my respect”
*Right Nod* – “I need to talk to you about something”
*Left Nod* – “Yo check this out”
A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, “Lenny proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you sad?” her mother asks.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist,” the girl responds. “Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replies, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
What You Don’t Want To Hear Tech Support Say
• “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
• “That’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
• “So…what are you wearing?”
• “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
• “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
• “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
• “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
• “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
• “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
• “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”
• “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test — and best of all — you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible — and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
Words Of Wisdom
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
“The problem is not that the world is full of fools, it’s that lightning isn’t being distributed correctly.”
- Mark Twain
Proof That Men Have Better Friends Then Women
The wife didn’t come home last night. The next morning, she told her husband that she slept at a friend’s house. Husband phones her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.
One night the husband didn’t come home. The next morning he told her that he slept at a friend’s house. Wife phones his 10 best friends …
8 confirm that he slept over and 2 keep insisting that he was still there.
Sorry no pictures this week, I’ve been having issues with Mail Chimp.