Things Never Said By Couples Assembling Ikea Items
Can You Lick The Science?
Chemistry: NO!!! DO NOT!!!
Geology: Sometimes needed, sometimes dangerous
Psychology: Best not
Physics: WIF??? How???
Zoology: In Zoology, science licks you.
Computer Science: The tingle of electricity on your tongue is how you know it’s working
Software Engineering: Nothing else has made the code work so you might as well try
Astronomy: Look, if your dedication to lick Uranus is what it takes to get humankind to another planet, then so be it.
He Should Have Known That Wasn’t Going To Go Over Well
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”
“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.
“But what about the smell?”
“Just hold its nose.”
The man is expected to recover, But the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Employee Job Application Definitions
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.
I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I’m outta here.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
It’s That Time Of Year Again
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS!
ME: Four boxes would be great.
“When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.” – Desmond Tutu
“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.” – David Letterman
“I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.” – Howard Hughes
“After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.” – Italian proverb
“Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for years.” May West
“The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.” Jean Kerr
“I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!” Zsa Zsa Gabor
“You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.” – Jeff Foxworthy
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips
“Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.” – Harrison Ford
“The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.” – Spike Milligan
“Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.” – Robin Hall
“Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.” – Jean Rostand
“Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
“We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.” – W.H. Auden
“In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.” – Jonathan Katz
“If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson
“I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
“Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.” – Steve Martin
“Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.” – Jimmy Durante
“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” – John Glenn
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?” – Steven Wright
“America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.” – Doug Hamwell
“The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who’s there.” – George Roberts
“If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!” – Jonathan Winters
“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Robert Benchley
Monkey Who Does Great Sex
A young sexy woman passing by Tom’s pet shop saw a board – “Monkey who does great sex”.
She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.
The Manual said “Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down without wearing anything. Leave the rest to the monkey. Repeat all steps for repeat performance”.
Accordingly, the woman gave the monkey a bath, bathed herself and slept on the bed naked. the Monkey did nothing.
Disappointed, she again gave him a bath, had a bath and lied down naked on the bed. Again, the monkey did nothing.
She referred to the manual again.
It said: In case of no activity, call the shop owner for support.
She called and Tom arrived in 10 minutes. He asked the woman to lie down. He then looked at the monkey and shouted…
“This is the last time I’m teaching you!” Watch carefully and learn.
More Creative Voice Mail Messages
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.
Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
Hi. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hello, this is Susan. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I won’t.
Hi, this is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I’ll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I do…
HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to… I mean, do FOR you.
That’s My Daughter!
My daughter went to a laser quest birthday party yesterday.
She set her username to “a girl”.
I asked why she didn’t pick ‘bloodstone’ or ‘skull-crusher’ and she said, “So every time I zapped a boy they’d know it was a girl that took them out.”
Too Many Differences Between Men & Women
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings women talk about “the ceremony.” Men talk about “the bachelor party.”
CHEERLEADERS: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.
LAUNDRY: Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweat suit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
POLITICS: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy’s is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
SOCKS: Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.
GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
CLASSIC MOVIES: For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark’s face in Public Enemy.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
What Do You Want?
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing. He keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again.
“I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.”
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again, the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.”
She says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too.”
“And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him,
“Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need,” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires. “So, what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.