Friday Fun Stuff – 1-13-12

You’ve Seen The Fail’s Of 2011, Now See The Wins!

AL JAFFEE’s Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions

Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn’t Want To Hear On Election Day

10. ‘What? The election is today?’
09. ‘You need to sober up for your concession speech’
08. ‘You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!’
07. ‘There he is. Get him!’
06. ‘Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you’
05. ‘You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states’
04. ‘If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing’
03. ‘The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray’
02. ‘Asteroid! Run for your lives!’
01. ‘Your ex-wife, Line 1′

Why Did You Shoot Him

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.
He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath:

“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click!

Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

What Smells?

A guy gets on an elevator and the only other person in it is a drop-dead gorgeous blond. The doors close, and as they’re riding up, he turns to her and asks, “Can I smell your pu$$y?” “Of course not! You creep!” was her indignant reply.

“Must be your feet, then.” he muttered.

Handy Guide To Movie Ratings

G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he’s never sure which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.”

New Car

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus” they have designed the “Clitaurus.” It comes in pink and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year.

My Town Is So Tough…

  • Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
  • Ice-cream trucks play “taps”.
  • Gun shops have “Back to School” sales.
  • High school newspapers have obituary columns.
  • Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.
  • Most people in bowling alleys bowl overhand.
  • Schools require a sick note to be co-signed by a parole officer.
  • Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.
  • Advice columns provide hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
  • Our 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.
  • “Honor students” practice saying, “Yes, your honor” and “No, your honor”.
  • Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
  • Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.

European Economics Explained

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; “You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied; “No.”

Creative Insults

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Avon Calling

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”

“Well, yes I do,” he replied.

“What does it smell like,” she asked?

The bemused man answered, “I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone crapped under a Christmas tree.”

Who Says Turkeys Are Dumb
This Is Your Brain On Cholesterol
Hey Saint Peter, Where’s The Return Department?
Does Somebody Want To Explain This?
Not If I Don’t Have To Change His Diapers
I Don’t Care How Well It Works I’m Not Wearing This Dorky Suite On The Moon!
So Where’s The Slot For This Thing?
Who’s Feeding Who?
I’m Going To Guess You Don’t Need To Ware Magnums
Ain’t Pay Back A Bitch

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