If The Lottery Was Honest
10 Dirty Lines You Totally Missed In Your Favorite Children’s Books
Maybe my mind is in the gutter, maybe I’m going to ruin your childhood memories, but you need to know these 10 dirty lines from your favorite kids’ books. Story time will never be the same again.
1. “Mrs. Rogers was angry. She was very angry. She opened her mouth. Mrs. Rogers meant to tell Amelia Bedelia she was fired. But before she could get the words out, Mr. Rogers put something in her mouth. It was so good Mrs. Rogers forgot about being angry.”
— Peggy Parish, Amelia Bedelia
OK, so Mr. Rogers put pie in her mouth (lemon meringue, to be exact), but that’s so not what you were thinking when you read that just now.
2. “Do you like it In your face. Yes! I like it any place.”
— Roy McKee and P.D. Eastman, Snow
Yes, they’re talking about snow here, but something else white comes to mind…
3. “Who Will Toss My Salad?”
— Little Golden Books, Who Will Toss My Salad?
To be fair, this book is an older one (and out of print), but the title says enough that you really don’t have to read any more of the book for sexual innuendos.
4. “Look, Father. Dick is big. Sally is little. Big, big Dick.”
— Penguin Young Readers, Dick and Jane: We Look
Another older book, from the time when people didn’t chuckle every time they heard the nickname for Richard, just about every Dick and Jane book has great (and totally dirty) lines like this.
5. “He likes to wink, he likes to drink. He likes to drink, and drink, and drink.”
— Dr. Seuss, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish
Does this sound like every creep at the bar who has ever hit on you inappropriately? Yeah, I thought so.
6. “I will not play at tug o’ war. I’d rather play at hug o’ war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins.”
— Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
I’m a lover not a fighter, but this goes a little too far. I don’t know about you, but it seems like a pretty quick way to get an orgy started.
7. “But there was one other thing that the grown-ups also knew, and it was this: that however small the chance might be of striking lucky, the chance is there. The chance had to be there.”
— Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Unlike kids, adults know that if you hold out long enough, you’re bound to get lucky… even if it’s with that crazy old guy from town. Gettin’ some is gettin’ some.
8. “George was fond of peeking in windows.”
— James Marshall, George and Martha
Since when is it OK to be a sexual predator, let alone in a children’s book?!
9. “Teddy Bear doesn’t care for the bath tub. He would rather sit and watch.”
— Eloise Wilkin, My Teddy Bear (Little Golden Book)
Let’s just be thankful this one was written before the age of nanny cams hidden in stuffed animals, shall we?
10. “You’ll notice your beaver rests all day. And fools around all night. That’s nice. Because if you can’t get to sleep, you’ll have an instant playmate.”
— Bobbie Hamsa, Your Pet Beaver (Far-Fetched Pets)
Because playing with yourself — er, I mean your beaver — is everyone’s favorite late-night pastime.
My Cats Thoughts
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a good little hunter I am. Bas tards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of allergies. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…..
He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard.
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t make the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I smacked him upside his head
Like his mother used to do.
Things Not To Do At A funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you’re the deceased’s gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow’s limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased’s wooden leg to someone poor who can’t afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn’t like them.
17. Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased’s gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased’s lips just before the widow’s last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one’s looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased’s mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream “MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!” and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you’re from the IRS and you’re confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn’t keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
Get Your Own Blanket
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Maam, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that were married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline…
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
How To Get Back At Telemarketers
Tired of those irritating credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls, etc…here’s 10 ways get back at them
1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…. Louder… Louder… Louder!
7 If they start out with, “How are you today?”, say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems….”
8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
9 Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
10 Tell the AT&T call center guy to call on your office number – and give him the AT&T call center number.
The Results Are In!
There is a medical distinction, we’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
1. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at his toilet?
2. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
3. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
4. Why do they report power outages on TV?
5. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
6. I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver’s side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
7. After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
8. The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
9. I really feel sorry for Madonna’s baby, having to grow up without a last name.
10. Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
11. The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy Someone’s Used Sofa
1. There’s a large red tag on it marked “Evidence”.
2. The cushions begin crawling away.
3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a “Rebel And Proud” bumper sticker.
4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.
6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.
7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
9. A tag on the back says “Property of Blessed Hope Mission”.
10. It has its own nickname.
11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.
13. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue gun.
14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.
15. It seems to generate its own heat.
16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
18. It growls when you sit on it.
19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.
20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
22. There’s a coin slot on the armrest.
23. There are labels in various spots that say “No Step”.
24. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.
25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
26. You hear scampering noises inside.
27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin
28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World’s Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a ’72 Dodge