Websites In Real Life
Dr. Seuss’s Lesser-Known Books
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I’ve Fallen — And I Can’t Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
Don’t Mess With Nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pullup alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer breasts, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “l don’t think they know who we are; show them
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?
Signs You’ve Grown Up
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie – it’s the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho’s.
23. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Of Course, Their Mine Idiot!
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replies, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
Things NOT To Say During Sex
Sex is one of the most intimate, personal things two (or more) people can share. Here are some things to NOT say during that occasionally intimate act.
• I hope you don’t expect a raise for this.
• Hurry up, the game’s about to start.
• Are you trying to be funny?
• You’re almost as good as my ex.
• Is that smell coming from you?
• Haven’t you ever done this before?
• You’re so much like your sister.
• What’s your name again?
• A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time.
• Can we order a pizza?
• Smile for the camera!
• I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
• Hold on, let me change the channel.
• But you just started!
• How much do I owe you?
• Stop moaning, you sound stupid.
• I’m still looking for your good side.
• Is it in yet?
• You’re fogging up the windshield.
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• On second thought, let’s turn out the lights.
• Your best friend does this much better.
• I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.
• Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
• Don’t make that face at me.
• I hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober.
• Your mother’s hot. Can you fix us up?
• Just use your finger, it’s bigger.
• Can you hold this sandwich for me?
• You’re as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something.
• You woke me up for that?
• We’ll try again later when you can satisfy me, too.
• If you can’t do it, I’ll find someone else who can.
• And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner.
• I haven’t had this much sex since I was a hooker.
• Want to see me take out my glass eye?
• Is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
• Hurry up, I’m late for a date.
• It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate.
• Maybe you’re just out of practice.
• Don’t squirm, you’ll spill my beer.
• Of course I don’t love you.
Yeh, That’s A Good One
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.
I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed.
My Father-in-law said that night was the first time she ever screamed and fainted.
I’m going to Hell, but I’ll go laughing.
Thoughts For Today On Politics
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~ Plato
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author Unknown
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it. ~ P.J. O’Rourke
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan
Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~ Gore Vidal
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson
Don’t vote, it only encourages them. ~ Author Unknown
There ought to be one day – just one – when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers
You Promised Clowns!
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on “Take Your Kid to Work Day”.
As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”
Why Cats Are Better Than Men
1. A CAT always hits the litter box.
2. Better chance of training a CAT.
3. No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.
4. You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.
5. If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
6. A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
7. You can de-claw a CAT… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
8. It’s okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
9. You don’t have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
10. A CAT knows you’re the key to his happiness… A man thinks he is.
11. If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
Assert Dominance On Your Parents
If you’re ever watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on, give it a second, then look at your parents and say, “Is this the kind of filth you two are into? Disgusting.”
You just changed the balance of power forever.