Friday Fun Stuff – 3-12-21

The Treaty of Westphalia

A Sociopath Goes For A Job Interview

More One-Liners

1. Your artistic license has just been REVOKED.
2. A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
3. Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
4. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
5. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
6. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
7. Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
8. …Every morning is the dawn of a new error…
9. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
10. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
13. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
14. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
15. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
16. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
17. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
18. I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
19. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
20. Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
21. Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
22. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
23. If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
24. Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.

Work Virus – Careful, It’s Spreading

There is a new virus. The code name is “WORK.” If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Rinse and repeat.

What Advice Would You Give?

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the s@x, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in s@x to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in s@x and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Women?

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Just Some Dark Humor

1. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died… ” Are you still holding the ladder?”
2. A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
3. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
4. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
5. I want a divorce! But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part. I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.
6. I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
7. I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
8. A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
9. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it’s a bird of prey.
10. A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really… We just tell them they’re going to die…”
11. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.
12. I hate these double standards…if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re “doing a good job” do it at home and your “destroying evidence”.
13. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
14. Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
15. I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
16. You know you’re ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
17. That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.
18. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
19. “Siri, why am I still single?!” Siri activates front camera.
20. Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
21. What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.
22. How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
23. When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
24. Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” “To the morgue.” “What? But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet.”

WANTED

EVIL GENIUS seeks minions to sacrifice their lives in world domination attempt. Must be prepared to work 24-7 for fascist psychopath for no pay.
Messy death inevitable but costumes and laser death rays provided.
No weirdos.
Call: 1-900-MWAH-HAHA

Funny Quotes

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~ W.C. Fields ~

I can resist everything except temptation. ~ Oscar Wilde ~

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. ~ Mark Twain ~

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. ~ Oscar Wilde ~

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. ~ Margaret Mead ~

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ~ Oscar Wilde ~

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you’ll be right. ~ Funny Short Saying ~

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect. ~ Funny Short Saying ~

Breakfast Is Kickin’

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

‘Not yet momma,’ said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: ‘Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Even More Voice Mail Message Ideas

Noisy pickup of phone
“Uh….(whispering) Hello? Hi, I ‘m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy’s phone. If you give me your name and number I’ll…uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. Uh…by the way, where did you say you live?”

(Must have good Australian accent)
“G’day mate. Can’t come to the phone now because I’m a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.”

“Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave’um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for powwow real fast.”

“This is (Insert your name here), you’re not in now so I’ll leave a message.” Really confused people.

“A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a worm hole in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future”

“Hello. (Insert your name here) is not home now this is his domestic droid speaking.
I’m not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and (Insert your name here) will get back to you as soon as possible.”

“My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.”

“Hello, and welcome to Voice Mails of the Rich and Famous! (Insert your name here) can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera…”

Last year my roommate had never set up his voice mail. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was:
{background music: Billy Joel’s _Pressure_ very loud}
“Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark’s room. We’re a little busy now…
{BJ screams PRESSURE!!!}
So, leave a message and we’ll get back to you someday after (exam end date)”
{BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out of tune BEEP!}

In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. (Husky, Soft female voice is best)
“Hi, You’ve just reached (Insert your name here)’s pleasure palace. We’re all busy as I’m sure you can tell but when we’re done… we’ll get back to you in whatever way we can.”
You wouldn’t believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one…

Brainwashing Childhood Classics

Fox News recently reported that the Liberals were using The Muppets to brainwash children into communism. But don’t you see, Fox News? ALL childhood classics brainwash kids! For example…

SCOOBY DOO
Teaches atheism by encouraging that you solve life’s mysteries. IT’S ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN, VELMA, JUST LET IT GO.

101 DALMATIANS
The ORIGINAL Animal Hoarders.

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
What are tanks made out of? Steel. What’s the Russian translation of “steel”? Stalin.

E.T.
Why are we showing kids that it’s okay to sneak aliens around our soil? Just build a fence already!

WINNIE THE POOH
Eeyore lives in a house made out of sticks and wears a pink bow on his butt. He’s a cross dresser and part of the 99% all at the same time.

THE FLINTSTONES
Notice how no one in Bedrock ever wears shoes? Damn hippies.

THUS, television and movies just love teaching children to be horrible. But don’t worry! It helps them grow up to be joyless adults who work for Fox News.

You Mean My Parents Don’t Know Everything?