Quotes From W. C. Fields
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
I like children. Properly cooked.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
Hey You Started It
I’ve always ordered beverages one simple way: “A Coke, please.” Lately, though, this hasn’t seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, “I’m sorry, we don’t have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb,….” Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I’d make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a “dark, carbonated beverage.” The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, “Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?”
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Yet Another Reason Why Caffeine Is Good For You
Worrying about the health of school kids, the California State Assembly has voted to ban soda sales at all elementary and junior high schools. Critics say the move will actually be unhealthy for the state’s schoolchildren, who need the sugar high to help them avoid getting shot.
I Just Knew I Was In Big Trouble At Work When:
…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”
…I get a “It’s for you loser” sound file when receiving e-mail instead of a chime.
…my new Pentium was replaced with a 386sx-16 last weekend.
…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
…my secretary says things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”
…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.
…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
…the receptionist began saying “Who?” to anyone calling for me.
You Talk Too Much
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good — mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: ‘Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.’ Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: ‘Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.’
Jerry Seinfeld’s Humor
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera: “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”
Sunday’s paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. “Oh, by the way, here’s a thousand pages of information you had no idea about.” How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing’s going on?
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad. There’s a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
One thing I love about living in New York is it’s every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.”
Can’t we just say, “Hey, the door’s open. We’ll take whoever you got.”
Why not just say, “Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can’t drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can’t stay in their lane, if they don’t signal, they can’t parallel park, if they’re sneezing, if they’re stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don’t return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving…”
In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them.
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you’re in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes.
You’re hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, “Where’s your jockstrap?” Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels – you’re trying to survive.
And then it’s History, Science, Language. There’s something off in the whole flow of that day.
My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, So what? Neither do I.
Who wants to see a whole community that’s been grounded? That’s the way they should punish the kids after they’ve seen Amish country. “All right son, get up to your room. That’s it, I’ve had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don’t come down till you’ve made some noodles and raised a barn.”
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
The Reality Of Outsourcing
More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate. Not because they don’t want to work in the computer industry, it’s just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.
Actual Questions That Librarians Have Been Asked
These are actual reference questions reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
Patron: “Do you have any books on art?”
Reference Librarian: “Yes. Did you have a certain artist in mind, or a period or style in mind?”
Reference Librarian: “I guess you’ll have to look through our 120,000 books and see if you find anything.”
Patron: “Do you have anything good to read?”
Reference Librarian: “No, ma’am. I’m afraid we have 75,000 books, and they’re all duds.”
Patron: “I am looking for a globe of the earth.
Reference Librarian: “We have a table-top model over here.”
Patron: “No, that’s not good enough. Don’t you have a life size?”
Reference Librarian (after a short pause): “Yes, but it’s in use right now!”
Patron: “I have to write a two-page paper on the Civil War, can you help?”
Reference Librarian: “What aspect of the war interests you?”
Patron: “What aspect? You mean I have to choose something in particular about it? I thought I’d just write about the whole thing.”
Muslim Heaven, July 2015
Al Qaeda leader “Mullah Muhammad Omar”, killed this week, has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that Allah promised!